Where Am I Going?

What I DO know is on the subject of relationships. I don’t think I should ever enter into a “proper” relationship again, because I can’t do it. It always starts off perfectly when I am involved but then ends in tears, acrimony and massive expense. Sod that. To be honest I am fed up of being dumped on by women, but because I’m not gay, women are my partners of choice. It’s a toughie.

Right now, this is me. Pub cleaner, free newspaper deliverer, occasional steel chucker.

Actually, on the subject of the steel work, this week I’ve called in sick a couple of times. I don’t know why I keep puking all over the shop, but I would like it to stop soon. The end result is that I am completely washed out and can hardly lift my ass off the settee, never mind lobbing big bits of stainless all over the shop. But I feel **** about that. I need cash, so swiping a duster around the Woolpack has been do-able. But no way can I do the steel work for the last couple of days. Result? Guilt.

Anyway, back to my future.

Employment is a big one. While juggling three jobs at the moment pays the bills, it's not an ideal way of life. There's not a lot of reliable routine involved. So "Get a day job" I can almost hear you shouting at your puters. Yes, I'm trying. But I don't want to be stuck in an office oiling the wheels of bureaocracy and lining the pockets of the Boss on the golf course for the rest of my life. As corny as it sounds, I want to do something useful and help people. The knock-back from mental health nursing was a bitter pill to take, but in hindsight maybe a blessing in disguise (cliche overload!). The training has moved from King's Lynn to Norwich, and providing my own transport for a 90 mile round trip every day would have been almost impossible financially. So what now, career-wise? I quite like the idea of childcare, as in nannying (or mannying, as males in that line of work are known). Is that a crackpot idea?

Finally, for now, health. I am a complete sicknote recently. But vomiting bugs won't last forever (I bloody hope), which still leaves me with the depression and the constant shadow of alcoholism. One feeds the other I'm afraid. Drinking too much forces the mood downwards, and hammers my self-esteem. That in turn makes me despair about life, and have a drink or two. It's a vicious, very vicious, circle. I drink maybe 2 or 3 days a week now, which is still way too much - but less than it was. I think I may have to ask the doc to help me take a hardline approach to quitting completely, instead of the attempt to reduce my intake (which has not been a huge success).

This is a hugely revealing blog.

I don’t know where to go from here, to be honest. Any ideas?

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