The Lost Years!

I was reclining on the settee at the weekend, tickling the catÂ’s chin (no, thatÂ’s not a euphemism), when I realised something of the utmost importance....

The Eighties. The decade from hell, when selfishness was in fashion and it was mandatory to dump on as many people as you could as you tried to reach the top of your chosen career. Let’s look at the facts.

Clothes were awful. Women sported shoulder pads the size of ironing boards, puffball skirts were “cool” and the only denim deemed acceptable was stone-washed almost white. But you couldn’t wear jeans on their own, oh no, you had to team them with a denim shirt (with poppers not buttons) and top off the look with a denim jacket. Levi’s were the jean du jour, which made Barry Levi from Bolton a multi-millionaire (he invented ‘em you know).

Football was dull, England were rubbish (some things don’t change), Super Leeds were relegated and suffered eight years in exile. The Olympics were rubbish too as Russia and America’s tit for tat boycotts made consecutive Games almost irrelevant. In cricket England (well, Beefy Botham and Bob Willis mainly) spanked the Aussies at Headingley in 1980, but didn’t win another Test Match for the rest of the decade. ICE SKATING was popular!

Hands up if you remember any of the following cars with affection - Vauxhall Viva, Morris Marina, Ford Cortina, Austin Allegro, Vauxhall Chevette, Mini Metro? If you said yes, then you’re living proof that we remember things as being better than they really were. All those cars I just listed, plus just about every other car from the Eighties, were shambolic. Badly built and finished, most would show signs of rust within a fortnight of purchase.

Maggie Thatcher shafted the miners. In fact Maggie Thatcher shafted nearly everyone, carried along on a wave of jingoism created by starting a ridiculous war with Argentina over some seemingly worthless rocks in the South Atlantic. People criticise Blair and Bush for fighting financial wars based on oil, but Thatcher was at it years ago, “reclaiming” the Falklands to ensure Britain’s presence in the mineral rich Antarctic. It’s certainly not about the people, I’ve been there and they’re a miserable bunch of ingrates who charge British servicemen twice as much for goods and services as their own inbred neighbours.

What about the telly? Neighbours landed and has stuck with us like **** to a blanket. Dallas and Dynasty bored us stupid on Saturday nights. Starsky & Hutch was great (at the time) but watch it again now and maaaaaan, it’s terrible.

Enough of all that though. What made me wonder about people’s sanity was…..why does everybody claim to love the music from the Decade That Taste Forgot?

And I mean EVERYONE. “Ooooh I love me eighties music, dancing round the bedroom singing into me hairspray pretending I was Paula Abdul.” Eighties music was CRAP! Sure there are a few shining exceptions, but for every band like The Smiths there’s ten more like Wham. Where there’s Blondie, there’s an avalanche of Duran Bloody Duran soundalikes. Renee & Renata? Tight Fit? Kajagoogoo? Culture Club? Shakin’ Stevens, Chris De Burgh, Rick Astley, Jason Donovan, Jive Chuffing Bunny, The Police! The music of The Eighties is - just like the Clothes, the Sport, the Cars and the Politics - embarrassing.

And breathe…..

Rant over.

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