Sir Hammerlot Press Release!

"Today I let myself and my colleagues down. Killing the bad guys who regularly try to kidnap our princess is what I am paid £47k p.a. plus Glitto Allowance to do, and today this did not happen. I want to apologise to Rita The Rat Princess, Sir Chopalot, Sir Castlelot, and the rest of the guys. And Sir Redshield, who is not, technically, a guy any more, but can still handle her weapon as skilfully as the rest of us. I would like to state that I did not, as reported elsewhere, soil my cast-iron undercrackers, nor did I shout "Mummy, big green nasty man after me" as I fled the castle. I will not be making any further statement, and still remain employed here through the Pertemps Agency."

This apparently honest and open statement was seemingly called into question however when Hammerlot was overheard talking on his mobile homing pigeon as he finished his shift, allegedly saying, "Well yes, I did **** my pantaloons, but you should have seen the size of the ******. Wearing nowt but a horny helmet and a leather posing pouch, with a huge chopper in his hand. I mean, this weapon was even bigger than mine, and as you know Bianca, I can't ******* lift mine off the floor. See you in 10 babe, kung po chicken and special friend rice sounds great. Luv thee!"

Make of this what you will, but the apparent admission - seemingly backed up by the attached candid photo taken by Montgolfier & Sons Paparazzi Of Distinction from a balloon earlier this year - that Hammerlot's hammer is too heavy to be lifted off the ground will come as a hammer-blow (ahem) to the reputation of the Knights Of The Coffee Table, already reeling from the Sir Trumpalot Egg Sandwich scandal before Christmas. Tonight it appears that Hammerlot's reputation, just like his underwear, is in tatters.

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