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Tuesday 29th May - Struggling a bit today

Blog: Frustrated Businessman
Posted by: knightrider45 Tuesday 29th May 2007, 5:52pm

Well, struggling a lot really. Packing up smokings so hard - but I knew it would be of course.

Yesterday, the first day, I failed miserably. I'm not doing much better today either. As soon as I think I'm stopping, my body seems to go into meltdown. I lasted half hour yesterday before I got severe gut rot.

Just temporary, I know. but I gave in. Today, pretty much the same again. Only using roll ups though - I'm not buying any more fags.

So, I'll start again tomorrow, but instead of treating it as a Final thing, I'm aiming to stop for 24 hours first. try it that way. The best thing about the last two days though is that I have cut down. A lot.

To answer Simon's question, I'm on about 30 a day, but on my first nightshift, it's more like 50, for the first day only. As normal people go to bed at night, I'm just about to start my second half of the day. Then, for the rest of the night, its back to 30 a day.

So, like I say, I'll start again, tomorrow. I must stop, theres no two ways about it. Hard and horrible, but I love life more than the cigarrettes.

Its been exactly a week since I got the xray results, but still no scan dates yet. Hopefully, it'll come through over the next few days. Truth told, I've thought about the scan - or the results more correctly, thousands of times over the last week.

A totally s*it situation, both with life, and home life too. The shadows still hanging over us. Everyone's worried, and we still haven't told the two youngest yet. Often, I've caught my wife just sitting, staring at me.

And it's started to affect my son as well. He'd been crying in his room last night. He's going to his grandads grave for the first time in years on Thursday with his mum.

I just hope that I can pull us all through this. But, at the moment, I just don't know what to say, or do, to make things a little bit better. It's the not knowing I think that's ripping us apart. Because of my family's legacy, I've spoken to all of them over the years about me dying early.

I just don't want it to be now.

Paul

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