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Saturday 21st - Operation "Enforced People Mixing" Completed

Blog: Frustrated Businessman
Posted by: knightrider45 Saturday 21st April 2007, 10:52pm

Well, I did it. Last night. On my previous posting here I said I had to start mixing with people again. So, at work last night, I ignored my need for isolation and "mixed" with people again.

Its not all it's cracked up to be really, is it? Or maybe its just me.

Do I feel different? No.

But, after writing yesterday, I thought that there's no point in leaving things hanging. I'm lucky, in one respect, that my job gives me good freedom when I'm not busy, and as last night was promised to be quiet, I took the opportunity and mixed.

I spoke to everyone I could and went into places I hadn't been for months, firstly, to prove to myself that I could do it, and secondly to re-open the channels of communication for future mixing exercises.

Although it was good seeing people I haven't spoken to for months, and been made welcome by them, I was painfully aware most of the time though that I was there, well, as part of an experiment really, nothing more. I'd still rather be isolated, on my own, and, prefably, not at work.

Maybe it was my ulterior motive that spoilt the exercise, I certainly wasn't in the groups as a matter of personal interest. It is this sense of detachment that I think sets me apart from everyone else. I just cannot regenerate, or find, this friendship gene in me at all. That "thing" or whatever it is, just doesn't exist in me now.

I just can't relate to people on the friendship level. At all. This detachment is overpowering and acute. Its just not "normal", is it? I am acutely aware that I keep everyone at (more than) arms length.

I may talk, laugh with, and join in with whatever group of people I'm with. But I just cannot let myself belong to that group. I cannot be one of them. Seemingly, for ever.

Maybe it will improve over time and The Experiment continues. Maybe.

Paul

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