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Friday 19th January - It's back again

Blog: Frustrated Businessman
Posted by: knightrider45 Saturday 20th January 2007, 7:59am

The speed it crept up on me has surprised me. I left the house to drive to work for nightshift with an overwhelming sense of tiredness but the over riding emotion has to be the anger.

Everyone around me at the moment is happy, cheerful and laughing. Why does that irritate me? Why am I angered by people talking to me when all I want is silence?

Everythings irritating me now. Too much noise, everywhere.I'm craving isolation and sleep. I need to be left alone. I drive to work in silence. Why is life controlling me so much, when it's supposed to be the other way around?

My head aches at the back with a tightness that is unreal in pain and streches from ear to ear. My mouth ulcers/blisters hurt as a result of the excess stomach acid. Tears are pricking my eyes. The level of stress is borderline fit to burst.I have a dull ache which occasionally turns to a sharp pain in my left shoulder.

I have so much to do. No time to do it. My life is full of interuptions I neither want nor need. I know I cannot be left alone, nor can I stay at home to do what I want to do. The dark black mood has set in again over the last 2 hours and I can't do anything about it at all, although I understand it's mechanics. Now I don't know how long it will last for again. Must get some more proper St John's Wort, but just cannot be bothered.

Instead, I'l just waste another 12 pointless hours of my life here at work in my pointless job. As I park my car on the car park I seriously think of just turning around again, never to come back. But the responsibility tells me I can't. Too many bills, direct debits and responsibilities.

I put a polo in my mouth to help get rid of my thirst and help keep the stomach acid down, take a deep breath, and walk into work, so angry that I am so powerless.

The one thing this horrible curse/disease has taught me is to be a dammed good liar. I pretend to be cheerful as I walk through the door.

Until next time

Paul

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