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Friday 19th April - Its so funny, how we don't talk anymore

Blog: Frustrated Businessman
Posted by: knightrider45 Friday 20th April 2007, 8:31am

Text and email - oh, and blog as well - is all we seem to do these days. And with my present moods, I'm grateful that it's socially acceptable not to talk to people anymore.

But it's wrong. And, as part of my cognitive therapy for the moods, it's got to change.

I have two major tasks in front of me now to try and repair, and keep at bay, these black moods .Both of these tasks are really hard, but for different reasons.

The first thing that I have to do on the road to repair is re-learn how to interact with other people. This flies against everything I stand for. Don't get me wrong; I'm certainly not shy or anything silly like that, but my attitude to people in general has been born from experience. I have a negative attitude to people and I'm told that this, in conjunction with my need for isolation, is causing severe damage to myself, and even re-enforcing the moods.

And this started through my business in the 90's, when there wasn't a single day went by without being let down by one of my staff, a customer, or whoever. And that went on for five years.

I don't do socialising anymore, and haven't done so for years. I have a clinical distrust of people, and can't go on with this negative attitude to other people. It's just going to be so hard to change this around.

And the second thing is also difficult, but through different reasons.

I'm going through a stage at the moment of doing, or not doing, things without realising. And forgetting things - like the access code to the office door at work, you know, the one I've used every day for the last 2 or 3 years!

The Family have noticed it, and have started saying things like "I'm losing It" and the such like.

This is simply through sleep deprivation. (I Hope!!) I've tried explaining to The Family, that by 8am Friday, they've had 40ish hours sleep since 8am Monday.

I've had 15 - 17 hours in the same time period, because by 8am Friday, I've only been to bed Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, for an average of 5 hours a day, as oppose to their 8 or 9 hours every night for 4 nights.

No wonder then that I keep doing silly things, like turning on the wrong hob on the cooker when I'm doing The Family's tea, so when they come in, the empty back hob on the cookers red hot, but the pan with the food in on the front hob's stone cold! And the times I've forgotten what they've said to me, or asked me to do something.

So, I've got to improve my sleeping, somehow. Both when I'm working nights, and when I'm off as well, when I can't sleep, and I'm walking around the back garden at 3 in the morning!

Perhaps, just perhaps, when I'm not so tired, I won't be so irritable, or moody.

Both extremely difficult challenges, and, at the moment, I'm not sure whether I'll be able to do either.

But that's the plan any way. And now, to move on.

The main part of the business dies today when the server goes off air. Taking with it my hopes, dreams, hard cash, and cash flow forecasts. Back to the drawing board. I've still got to revamp the main format of the business to business side of things over the weekend, and next week, then I can move onto promoting the retail side of things.

And I will try to start revamping my life, and outlook at the same time. I am down today, perhaps obviously, because the main part of the business has died. My need for absolute isolation, away from everyone, and everything, is paramount.

But, putting everything together, (and being creatively positive here) its time to restart over from scratch. Today is Day Zero. I took a chance and failed, this time, but everything happens for a reason. I just can't find the reason at the moment, but I'm sure it's there somewhere.

Until tomorrow

Paul

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