Posted in October 2007

Weds 24th October - Lifes Cruelty Part 2

Source: knightrider45
Wednesday 24th October 2007, 3:51pm

Wow! Thanks for all your replies guys - Obviously, I'm not the only one feeling like this, and that, in itself, is a massive bonus!

But, did the blog really come across as self pity? It wasn't meant to, by any count. I don't do self pity, ever. Gosh Letty, it takes a woman to see things sometimes doesn't it?

But I still don't see it as self pity. Rather, it's anger, or perhaps, at best, frustration. I want to do so much with my life but I can't because stability, security and responsibility keep getting in the way.

Maybe it's this man's midlife crisis thing they keep talking about.

Stickgman - thanks for replying - if I was single I'd do the same thing as you- you must have a fantastic, free life, well done for taking that initial, brave decision. You are the ideal person to start a blog - there are hundreds of us out here who would love to read your adventures in a life full of freedom, a life that only a very few of us get to touch, let alone live. How's about it mate, would you share your life with us please?

Stickgman's right though isn't he? Live your life for yourself, no one else. All I want out of life is to be able to look after my family, pay the bills, an emergency cash reserve in the bank in case things go wrong, say a thousand, and to be able to run my business full time, from home. Because that, to me, would be my perfect life.

Living my life. Instead of spending most of days being forced to do what I have to do. And what I don't want to do.

Part of my problem stems from finding my dad dead on the settee at 15 - this hammered home, with great force, that time is short. And should not be wasted. And I cannot get over this - not that I really want to I think - this is my motivation.

And finally, Waterside Skincare. What you say is exactly the motivation I need. I believe in the Law Of Attraction (Written about it here before) - so we're both on the same lines here. Unfortunuately, finances won't permit life coaching sessions, so I've got to do this on my own.

I have a collection of over 10,000 psychology books on DVD and CD's - that's how much I'm into this. I'll look out for those titles you suggest, but in the meantime, do you know if they're widely available in paperback? Or from the library? I promise I will definately try both of them - if I can find them - if they've worked for you, then, hopefully, they'll do the same for me. There's nothing like personal recommendation that somethings good, is there?

Deb, you have taken that decision and living the life I want to live. Congratulations and every best wish for the future.

But I do have a plan. And that's to get enough money to pay all the bills for a year in the bank, somehow. That will be through the business I'm re-starting up. As soon as I get somewhere close, even with more finance, I'll leave my job the next day.

Because that 12 months money will give the family the security they need, for 12 months. Then I'll live MY life, and then, even if the business doesn't take off, I'd have tried.

Because I'd rather leave this life saying "I'm glad I did" instead of "I wish I had". I hope that doesn't sound selfish.

Thanks for your time guys, you're brilliant, listening to this middle aged man in his mid life crisis!

Paul

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23rd October - Why must life be so cruel?

Source: knightrider45
Tuesday 23rd October 2007, 8:16am

Today, I’m angry. Not with life, or any particular person, but with myself.

Firstly because my baby sister has been confirmed with bowel cancer. At just 33. Hopefully not terminal, hopefully, relatively "easy" to deal with. We're waiting until the 9th of November now, that's the date of her initial consultation where the doctors are going to explain what they're going to do.

Secondly, reading Eddie2socks blog yesterday gave me the shock of my life as his dad has just died.

Thirdly, my colleague John's wife had a check up after discovering a lump under her arm. Turns out it's lung cancer. Terminal - with a life expectancy of 6 - 9 months.

I'm so angry with me. Why is it, that with this valuable, once in a lifetime commodity, called life, I'm wasting it struggling to earn a living, wasting most of my life, doing things I don't want to do?

And why is it that I'm like most people, being forced to accept this life as normal? Why don't we fight back, take control of our lives, instead of our lives controlling us?

And why can't I, God forbid, be like most normal people, be happy with my lot, accept the fact that I'll struggle all my life, just to die penniless, with nothing to show for my life except for three pieces of paper, namely my birth certificate, my marriage certificate and my death certificate, to show that I actually existed at all? Just like my parents.

Why can't I gather my guts together from somewhere, leave my job and really start living an exciting, different life? Since when does responsibility also mean boredom, and a mundane existence instead of living life?

When I was younger, I substituted this need with adrenaline whilst doing the job I'm still doing now - there's nothing like being in fear of your life to make you appreciate life - but I'm too old now for that kind of life. Now I'm too unfit for a life full of adrenaline and excitement. That's gone. Forever.

I know there's a better, faster, more meaningful life out there if only I had the guts to start out by taking the first step on that long road. It's my lack of guts that makes me angry.

Because, if nothing else, the news of the last week or so proves that Life is too valuable to waste. Too fragile to risk.

We have one life - an average of 70 years. Isn't it just criminal to see it passing us by, being wasted every day, doing things we don't want to do?

One day, soon, I'll get my old guts back. And start to control my life. Before it also leaves me in it's wake as it passes me by.

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Sunday 21st October - Another Week Blown Again.

Source: knightrider45
Sunday 21st October 2007, 9:45pm

This is a blog that I've prepared at work and saved to memory stick today. I've just had some news which has changed some things, but I'm posting my original blog first.

My baby sisters just been diagnosed with Bowel Cancer - but I'll write about that tomorrow when, and if I get chance. I've thought about this blog, and changing it, but I'm not going to. It's just that this news, again, has reinforced some points I mention. See what you think - this blog was written at work today before I got my news.

Paul

==============================================================

Busy busy all week, just where does time go?

Monday 15th - 12 hour day shift, getting really bored, it's criminal watching my time - my life - slip away completely wasted like this.

Tuesday 16th - Day off. I've arranged to work my enforced days around my wife's shifts - so as she works on Tuesday and Thursdays, these are my days off (normally) so she doesn't have to walk to work, especially with winter coming up fast now.

Or, at least, that was the plan. Over the previous weekend, we had a chap bring us a second hand dish washer as ours has just packed up - it goes through all the cycles, but doesn't wash anything. Always something isn't there?

Anyway, this dishwasher was delivered by a friend driving his horse box - and he dared my wife to drive it around the block. She did, and forgot how high it was when she got out of the thing. Net result - one twisted back & two weeks off work! Oops!

So, we went to do some food shopping at ASDA Norwich - and we had only been in an hour and half when we had to go back out to Woolworths at Dereham to pick up one of the kids Christmas presents. Got back home 4pm, that was Tuesday gone. Totally.

Wednesday 17th - Switched batteries on the Volvo and Nissan. Second hand battery on the Volvo, giving me my Nissan battery back. My Nissans now started up again after all the fluid & oil checks. Hopefully I'll be getting it MOT'ed sometime over the next week. Can't remember what else we did now, but we did have to go out again to do whatever it was and Wednesday disappeared.

Thursday 18th - Another 12 hour boring day shift. Got home at 8pm, that's another day wasted.

Friday 19th - Oh Oh, flat battery on the Volvo. My fault. Unknown to me, Volvos have 4 positions on the ignition ring, instead of three, like normal cars. I had taken my wife to the Osteopath for her back so I could drive her back home aterwards. While I was waiting for an hour or so I thought I'd take this opportunity to clean the inside of the windows. And listen to the radio at the same time.

For my defence, I turned the key on from the passenger side, then turned it back off when the radio started. Unfortunately, instead of leaving the ignition key in the number 1 position for the radio, I turned it into position 2 by accident.

The silly Volvo lights were on for just over an hour. And when the wife came back out to her nice clean Volvo, it died in front of her.

Thank you, RAC man, whoever you are, for getting us started. Its just a great pity that it took a long time for you to get to us because you were busy. We were just grateful to get home. And I DID manage to do about three hours work on Friday as well, wasn't I lucky? And that's as well as playing Taxi's for my daughter and her friend who was on sleepover with her - twice, once at 8am, and then, picking them up from Tesco's car park at about 7.30pm.

And now I'm on my second, 12 hour, weekend day shift, but I'm managing to do a little bit of work for me as well as it's the weekend.

So, all told, I wanted to do so much on my three days off this week, but ended up doing virtually nothing instead, but being so busy doing it!

So Frustrating!!

Oh, and eBay results this week - I've sold about 9 things, possibly 10, the money's not so good this time around though, just making about £30.00 after postage. But everything helps towards the big goal!

At least I know I and the wife are kindred spirits. Woke up at 1.45am this morning in agony with backache! Haven't had backache for years! Years ago, when the wife was sterilised, I knew when she was having the operation, because I got this horrible, searing pain around the belly button. This was witnessed by the kids ( or rather, I was - not the operation!!) as I told them all when I got the pain. And, believe it or not, I was absolutely right! The hospital staff were wheeling her down at exactly the same time that I got that pain.

After the weekend, I'm off after Wednesday night, so I'm off Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday. I know my management (the wife) has delegated my services to the garden next weekend. I'm out half the day Thursday after I get up after Wednesdays night shift, so, again, I've only got Friday free at the moment.

So, the lack of "me" time coincides with some wicked dreams I'm having at the moment (increased anti depressant doses?). I haven't dreamt for years, or at least, I can't remember them except for the last week, leading to broken sleep - three or four times a night - as well as the "sympathy pains" with the wife. Too much to do, never, ever, ever, enough time.

What gets done, gets done. What doesn't, well it'll just have to wait, won't it? As long as I'm ready for all systems go on January 2nd..........

Paul.

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Friday 12th October: Midnight screams, hospitals, sickness & corporate massages

Source: knightrider45
Friday 12th October 2007, 8:32am

How's about that then for a day in my life? The last day and half have been so busy, so frantic, it's difficult to know where to start!

My Baby Sister was rushed into hospital first off on Wednesday night in severe pain and vomiting a lot. Russells Hall Hospital, in Dudley, West Midlands is a huge monstrosity of a place and her scan has been cancelled twice, eventually taking place Thursday afternoon.

Not very good is it? Rushed into hospital and being left in pain for 24 hours before being scanned. We still don't know the results yet (that's today, hopefully), but the Doctors suspect a gallstone or gall bladder problem.

My Little Girl, AKA the Teenage One, has also come down with some kind of Lurgy - similar to mine, but not quite the same. I've had to have antibiotics for mine, but the Teenage One's got a virus, so she's having to put up with hers.

So,where does time go then, eh? Yesterday I and the wife went into Kings Lynn to do a bit of Christmas Shopping - getting it done, out of the way, after she'd taken The Teenage One to the doctors first. We were out until two o'clock - ish, returning home really tired and fed up.

And then I had to start getting ready for work, for another one of those 12 hour night shifts.And it was a long one. I've still got the Lurgy ravaging around inside me, so I'm not particularily well up on things, and the thought of a night shift cast one of those dark shadows over my day, especially as I hadn't slept well the night before.

That was due mainly to The Teenage One falling asleep with the telly on again. I had just settled off to sleep, when I was woken up by this blood curdling scream from a woman at about half midnight! Turned out The Teenage One had fallen asleep watching a DVD.

Didn't half wake me up quick! I was out of bed with my heart racing, crashing about in the dark bedroom for a few seconds before I started to wake up. I've promised The Teenage One that I'm going to hide her mobile phone in her bedroom somewhere where she can't find it, and ring her every half hour through the night. Starting at 1am!!

And today, Friday 12th October, is the day we were supposed to have the house repossessed. The court hearing was at 11am, I think, and I'm really grateful that I don't have to go to court today. And, although the mortgage has been completely paid off now to the first company, they still sent an arrears notice out, which I got in yesterday's post. Doh!

So although I'm really pushed for time, I'm still appreciating life. But, I do wish I didn't have to waste so much time at "Work". I'm still following my goals plan, and if I can pull things off OK, I've only got to stick this job for another 11 months and two weeks. Wish me luck!

How tired am I? On the way home this morning I stopped off at Hillington filling Station to use their £1.75 (Rip Off) ATM because I was too tired to go elsewhere. For about 3 seconds, I couldn't work out what was wrong with the machine. There was no screen showing. Then I realised I was standing in front of the postbox. How disturbing is that then?

And now, onto the Corporate massages bit! Where I work use these whiteboard things around the various offices and plants, so staff can book in and out and so on, as well as leave messages, such as off today, in office so and so today, meeting at whatever am/pm and location, corporate strategies posters (yawn) etc.

And now, the plant has got itself a mysterious message board tidy-upperah. No one knows who he/she is. A real mystery.

So, all the messages that were left in the messages section of the whiteboards have now been upgraded to MASSAGES.

Naughty Naughty. Now, you've just got to imagine some of these office staff. Really prim and proper, Hyacinth Bucket (It's Bookay) types.And, in my minds eye, I've got visions of various management type people perfoming a massage service for the workers in various rooms.

And visions of massages in the first aid room really make my mind boggle!

But, what's equally disturbing as well is that most of the management where I work are males. So are the workers!

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Tuesday 9th October - Chest Infection Confirmed

Source: knightrider45
Tuesday 9th October 2007, 10:36pm

I finally got around to making the doctors appointment after a rough night with the old breathing yesterday night. I've definately got the Greek invasion!

My last few nights at work were a bit rough as well, but last night it took me ages to get to sleep with a really tight chest.

So, I'm now on antibiotics, after bravely battling the lurgy for 8 days on my own. My temperatures high, throat inflamed and I really feel rough and tired around the edges.

The appointment also served as a review for my antidepressants - increased again to 30 mg a day now, and there wasn't much said about my empyhesema - not even a reminder that I'm supposed to be stopping the smoking (which I find really really hard.)

First lot of eBay sales have just finished today - I made £70 sales, but postage has cost me £30.00 up to yet, so the next lot of stuff I'm putting up for sale, I'm increasing the postage. Best priced thing I sold was a dog guard for the car, which started out at 99p and ended up selling for £18.35, plus postage. Not bad for the first week I guess, and I've learned along the way. Increase postal charges and don't sell big, bulky or heavy things!!

The remortgage went through OK, so the repossession orders have now been cancelled outright. Thank God. That's one problem I didn't need.

Other than that, been really really busy with one thing or another - I'm still revamping my own web site, and I'm putting more stuff up on eBay tomorrow, So I've been taking photos.

And doesn't the packing take ages getting stuff ready for the mail? That dog guard took me almost two hours alone and I guess Blue Peter presenters would have been proud of me with the amount of improvision getting a box made up for it, sticky back plastic and everything!

Isn't it just, well, sad really, that experience is always the best teacher!

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Sunday 7th October: Breaker 1-9, is anyone there, drop the violence, we don't care!

Source: knightrider45
Sunday 7th October 2007, 8:45am

I think our lorry drivers are the salt of the earth. Virtually every single one I've "met" over the years - and that's hundreds, if not thousands, has been an hard working family man,earning a living to look after his family.

And it's still true today. And I have a secret respect for some of the Polish drivers too, even if it does go against the grain in some quarters these days. These men, often with young families, leave home and stay in this country for up to 4 weeks at a time, living in their lorries.

They must be really strong men. I couldn't leave my family for weeks at a time and live out of a lorry in a foreign country. No way.

So, I have met a lot of lorry drivers, and am honoured to be able to count some of them as friends, including a few Polish drivers too.

Enter, from stage left, a Polish driver. Thursday last, 6.45pm. I was just pulling into my works car park when I caught sight of this man. I couldn't hear what was being said, but I could tell something was wrong.

This driver carried on shouting at my colleague, as I stood next to my car, deciding as to whether to go into work normally, or through the front entrance, passing this driver. Eventually, as I made my way across the car park, the driver left my colleague and started walking back to his lorry.

Changing direction, I walked into work the normal way, and as I entered the office, I passed my line manager who told me both him and my colleague thought they were going to get thumped by this driver.

As I met up with my colleague, I glanced across the car park to see the driver heading towards my manager, who was making his way to his car to go home.

I went back outside, intending to talk to the driver, but again, after saying some words, he went back to his lorry. My manager, with me still in the car park, then showed the Polish driver where to park up.

Fair does to the manager. He is not used to conflict, and he did an admirable job in calming the Polish man down, and parking him up.

The problem? Well, first off, the Polish man couldn't speak English. Secondly, he was late for a delivery, so he had to either go away, or wait until the morning. He wasn't pleased.

Now, part of our job is to pull up lorry drivers and check their papers are in order. I and my colleagues have the power to make any drivers life pure Hell. If we wanted to. But we've never had reason to yet. Englands transport laws are so tight and strict nowadays that all lorries have to be routinely checked, and some, because of their loads, are subject to further checks.

Some faults, driver records,and paperwork errors, are reportable.

Justice was served - naturally. You see, the mans tantrums, threats and agression the previous night didn't help him. At least, we didn't bend over backwards to help him.

The driver started his day - one day late - at 7am Friday. Problem was, you see, that some paperwork was missing for his load, and this paperwork contained important reference numbers.

The Polish driver was held up for 6 hours until his transport office in Poland could locate the necessary paperwork and fax it across to us, so the man could be allowed to carry on his journey.

So, he still isn't home yet. If he hadn't threatened my work colleagues, or been so agressive, putting every one's back up, we would have sorted him out in ten minutes. As it was, we left the driver to sort things out with his office. When they opened. At about 11am our time.

There's just no need for the agression, is there? And what gives anyone the right to threaten to smack another man up because he just can't happen to get his own act into order?

I don't know........it's just not a nice job, sometimes. Revenge always is, though - especially when it's natural.

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Operation Birthday Tea End Ex!

Source: knightrider45
Friday 5th October 2007, 8:09am

Pleased to report the Birthday Tea went really well last night, even though First Little Girl was 20 minutes late, resulting in melted candle wax dripping onto the home made Garfield cake.

I had to rush off to work again unfortunately, leaving FLG and the son in law finishing off the tea that I and the wife had conspired to through the day. Despite the wife getting the first symptoms of this horrible Greek lurgy, she battled on with all the cooking, and I joined in the Teatime battle after getting up, trying to get everything done in time.

The photo attached to this blog shows the end result - with the Garfield cake taking centre stage on the table. Neither I or the wife were hungry as a result of this lurgy, but we bravely ate some food to show willing, if nothing else.

Last night at work went really slow all told, and went through the feeling sick stage again at 4am - and I felt sick for an hour before it started to subside.

Four nights gone - three left, including Friday. That's 84 hours in a week, not including the 9 hours travelling to and from Kings Lynn. Did I hear someone say the average working week is now 42 hours somewhere? Hello?

Still having problems finding part time work by the way. The problem with me is that I don't get the same days off every week - and everyone, it seems, wants conformity. That's the main reason for ebaying and car booting - I've got to make my own job. And, like I said earlier this week, I'm not looking forward to early starts on freezing cold mornings, carrying loads of stock backwards & forwards between The House and the markets - but what must be, will be.

I've already opened a separate bank account for paying in the extra payments to the mortgage every month. I'm really hoping that this new deposit account is going to get a severe hammering over the next 7 years or so with all the deposits I'm hoping to make to get shot of the mortgage. As soon as possible.

Ebay bids now up to ten! The first of the deals times out tomorrow, so I've got to find time from somewhere to carry on sorting out, and uploading more stuff.

I'm definitely asking Santa for a big box of time this year as my main present, so I can take out the occasional couple of hours out of this box when I need to, to make my days longer, so I can get everything done I've got to do!!

Have a good weekend everyone.

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Thursday 4th October – First little Girls’ Birthday

Source: knightrider45
Thursday 4th October 2007, 8:03am

My first little girl is an unbelievable 23 years old today! This is the same little, blond haired, blue eyed little girl who came into my life when she was five, and I adopted her the year after.

She is on holiday from work this week, and she's coming for her birthday tea with us, and by special request, the wife is making her an home made Garfield cake, which was her favourite cake when she was growing up. We've still got the cake mould!

So, it's going to be a good afternoon, a good tea and a good gathering at The House. In fact, the only thing spoiling today is the fact that I've got to go to work again tonight.

I still have the Greek Flu (?) as reported the other day, although I am much better than I was on that first day, but I've still got a wicked chest infection. Hoping to get down the doctors next Monday, which is my next day off for antibiotics and a general review.

We spoke to the new mortgage company yesterday, we've sent the final form back to them today by recorded delivery - and they should get this back Friday or Saturday, allowing for today's postal strike. The funds should be released early next week, the old mortgage company paid off, and then I'll follow that with a paper burning ceremony as I get rid of the Court Repossession Papers. Now, that I am looking forward to!

On the business front, I'm managing to squeeze a couple of hours every day in between everything else to revamp the web site and upload more things to eBay. Total bids on my stuff - having just checked the bids before writing this - is 8 - almost 10% of the total on sale.

Oh, and I've had to reformat the wife's computer again - she found that magical Terminal button. Again. Good job she's running XP on hers, otherwise she'd have lost everything - I AM trying to get her to back her stuff up onto CD once a week, but this hasn't happened for ages!

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Monday 2nd October (2) - The Greek Invasion

Source: knightrider45
Tuesday 2nd October 2007, 3:00pm

OH NO! Got terrible stomach ache this morning at 4am and just pt it down to, well, I didn't know what.Woke up with really bad backache at 1pm after last nights shift and now..........I've found out I've got a wicked (Greek) virus.

One of the son in laws friends brought it back with him from his Greek holiday, gave it to the son in law, who's now given it to me.

I have raided the medicine cupboard for Dio-calm, Beechams, Anadin Extra and any thing else vaguely related to flu treatrments. I have battened down the hatches, and am now just waiting..........a doctors appointment is imminent, as the son in law's had to have antibiotics.

Ah well, keeping on keeping on. Even if I do feel absolutely lousy!

PS- New mortgage signed off and agreed. Starting over - again.

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Tuesday 2nd October - New Chapter Starting

Source: knightrider45
Tuesday 2nd October 2007, 8:05am

Well, Simon (Eddy2socks) was right about last Sunday – thanks for that reply Si – it was a good family day.

We had good weather for a change, unusual for a Sunday when I'm off, and I started pulling the fence down, on the wife's instructions about 9.30, Son and his friend came around at half ten, and, finally, Middle Daughter and her partner came around about 12.00 mid day.

So whilst we men were kept busy on the fencing, the Wife cooked for us all (although Son and his friend had departed for the local pub at half twelve. Everyone had a mission, and everyone got on with it. Brilliant.

Not exactly cave person tradition, but the mans work was being done as the Wife did the wifey and motherly type things.

And now, onto today. The consultant is coming out to see us at 2pm this afternoon, when I and the wife sign our lives away on the dotted line. The new mortgage has gone through.

That means we can, at last, get two cars back on the road again, and Christmas won't be so much a problem this year. We're hoping to start the dreaded Christmas Shopping next week - ish, depending on when I'm off.

I'm planning the garden layout and will be ordering turf and gravel to get rid of all the grass we have inherited with the house. The new lawn will be really small this time around, and the rest of it where it is now will be dug up and skipped, and laid to gravel. No more 5 hour Sunday afternoons cutting the grass for me. Hooray.

I'm still working on the web site in between everything. On just checking my eBay stuff, I can see I've had 5 bids across the whole 80 or so items I've put up for sale - and I've still got more stuff to go up yet. I'm registering the business with eBay and cross pollinating both sites with each other.

I'm working flat out at the moment, both at "work" and on the web sites. If my list of goals proves to be as effective as the "experts" say it will be, then I've got 364 days left to turn the business around so I can leave my job. Looking at my rota at work, I'm off the last weekend of this month - so that will be the first car boot in Norfolk.

I'm not looking forward to the early starts, cold weather, and humping heavy stuff around from car to stall and back again - but hey - if that's what I have to do to get the dream going, then so be it. And of course........there's always the money as well.

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