Posted in April 2007

Sunday 29th April

Source: knightrider45
Sunday 29th April 2007, 5:59am

Wow, another month almost gone! Times flying past so quickly now. Flu (AKA The Teenage Ones Lurgy) has finally got me in its grip now.

I was alright yesterday when I got up and drove to work, but by 7.15am I had all the symptoms - thank you Teenage One, and they didn't get better all day. I was so tired by 8.30am yesterday it was unreal.

Funny how kids always bring friends home with them, isn't it? If its not Flu, a virus or something else it's nits!!

Nothing to say about yesterday other than that really, quiet day at work, fortunately and I'm writing this now as I get ready to go out the door again. Short shift today, get back about 2pm this afternoon, might Strim the front grass this afternoon as the mower doesn't seem to be touching it much. Depends on how I feel later.

The Teenage One suprised me and her mum yesterday as she performed first aid on one of her friends in the kitchen last night who had a bad cut. Didn't say anything to us about it, but when I went in the kitchen to do my packup for today, I found kitchen roll on top of bin soaked in blood, and bits of the first aid box left out.

Turns out shes done an emergency first aid course as part of her hairdresing course at College. Well, if it wasn't for the fact that she was a typical teenager (and didn't clean up after finishing) I wouldn't have known anything at all.

The baby's growing up. Too fast.

Paul

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Saturday 28th April - Physic Intervention

Source: knightrider45
Saturday 28th April 2007, 5:52am

Wel, thats that week over and done with then. Its 5.15 as I write this, and I'm getting ready for work again for another week. Only two things to report from yesterday really.

The phone was made, at last Thursday night. I eventually got my wife together on the phone with Emma Schofield from KLFM's Sixth Sense Program. I'm pleased to say that the wife reports Emma was uncannily accurate - even picking up on a family tree mystery one generation ago which my wife is attempting to sort out. This would have been a massive scandal in the early 1900's and Emma picked up on it. No one, in the world knows about this except my wife and her mother!

We both have a massive interest in history, and once I get me and my business sorted out I'm going to seriously get into sorting out my family tree, and documenting what I know already. I know my great great grandmother was the last woman to be hanged in Stafford Gaol ages ago for posioning her husband. The authorities at the time forced the womans 6 year old daughter to give evidence against her mother in Court.

Emma Schofield also identified my stomach problem, and my depression, as part of my wifes reading, and also told her that we'd be moving in 2 years. I would have jumped for joy at this last remark a few weeks ago - but the pain of moving is not particularily inviting. I don't feel any different about the house, but I don't want the hassle of moving either.

What will be will be.

Onto business. I've re-done the membership site and sorted MOST of the files out ready. I'll redo the main home page over the next week, upload every thing, and I'm looking at relaunching on my next days off, 12th May or thereabouts.

I'm having problems with a company called Avanquest Software which came to a head yesterday. Our anti virus on the computers has stopped working, bit by bit, and I had to pay more money out for additional license fees.

We use a system called Systemsuite. All day yesterday I was ringing their technical helpline and the phone wasn't answered. I've sent them an email - no reply. All the time my PC isn't protected. I'm giving them until 2pm Monday before I start getting formal.I love the Systemsuite program, have had it for years on all computers I own and work on, but the company's aftersales service is sh*t.

And I'll be telling them that, well, when I can get hold of them of course! In the meantime, I'm obviously looking for something else (more money again - I know you can get the free programs but.......)

Paul

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Thursday 26th - 2nd day off sick

Source: knightrider45
Thursday 26th April 2007, 4:01pm

Not a lot to report for today really. I've had an answer from IMM admin about our personal messaging problem yesterday, saying that they're looking into it, but it's probably because the site's being upgraded.

My daughters lurgy is stlill wreaking havoc with me, although I did sleep through last night for a change. So glad I took the plunge and went sick from work. It's got to be a late one tonight though because I slept so much last night, and I know that if I go to bed early tonight, I'll be up and about at midnight again.

And today's the day when my wife talks to Emma from KLFM's Sixth Sense at 6pm. The Wifes Valentines Day present is a really late one this year!

The Family, I think, is getting used to The Depression now, at least, it hasn't been mentioned since yesterday, not in front of me anyway.

Apart from that, still reconfiguring my membership web site after the server went down last week taking the business with it. I'm hoping to have this all sorted out within the next few days so I can restart again.

Okay then, I'm off to do the Family's tea for when they all get back at 5.

And apart from the flu(?) and the tiredness, I'm Ok.

Paul

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Wednesday 25th- well, would you believe it?

Source: knightrider45
Wednesday 25th April 2007, 12:42pm

After taking the Teenage One to the doctors yesterday to get her lurgy sorted out, I began to feel the distinct beginnings of a sore throat last night.

My wife, the Wise One, stated that it was probably sympathy pains with the daughter, rather like a man getting pregnancy signs when his wife is expecting.

Er, no, not really. Went to bed at 10.30 last night after taking the first anti depressant, in attempt to sleep it off, up again at just after midnight, couldn't sleep. Went to bed, eventually, at 4am again, and got up at 10.30.

Complete with a raging headache, stiff neck, and sore throat. These feel like really strong sympathy pains to me.

Went straight into recovery position, that is, a couple of cigarettes and a couple cups of strong sweet tea with three Anadin Extra. The Tesco kettle we got about two months ago, and have already replaced once, has packed up again. It will switch on, and light up, but won't do anything else.

Every Little helps. Except Tesco's £5.00 kettles. Good job we kept the old one. Got this down from the loft and my belt, the one I've had for about 18 years, snapped, half way back down the loft ladder. Nothing lasts for long these days,does it? LOL

The belt is British, and has lasted 18 years. The kettle is made in China, and lasted 6 weeks (2nd replacement). Just goes to prove British is best!

Okay got the cup of tea made, had the Anadins, took a Vitamin C tablet (which I've laid off with recently because of that pain in the Left hand side and I tried to eliminate most things to see what was causing it).

Then came the Decision. I rang up work to say I wouldn't be going in tonight or tomorrow. Sleep needed! Oh, and that I feel really really lousy.

Thats cost me about £100 aftter stoppages. at the moment, couldn't care less, although I know I'll regret it payday.

And the Big Thing about today? well, I rang the Wise One at work to inform her of my (coragous) decision in not working. She is now really concerned, bearing in miind the secret tablet episode yesterday. She thinks that it's my brain, not my body, playing up. The Depression is a big issue in our house, as I knew it would be. The son has been told, because he was different with me last night as well.

Why did I have to leave those tablets on the table yesterday?

After ringing the Wise One at work, I had to go to Fakenham to get petrol. Drove all the way thyere with the windows closed and heater on in beautifully strong sunshine. Loverly - at last I was warm!

And now, I've had a brilliant idea. I'm going to be a scriptwriter!

I shall take my daily life, write it up, like I've done here, and submit it as a script for Mr Bean!! Many riches await me!! Well, you get lots of money for being unique, don't you? And no-ones life's more unique than mine!

Until Tomorrow

Paul

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Tuesday 24th - Repair process started!

Source: knightrider45
Tuesday 24th April 2007, 4:30pm

Well, as the Teenage One is down with some kind of Lurgy and had to go to the doctors today, I thought I'd gatecrash the surgery with her. Might as well do 2 appointments together after all!

Well, if you're reading this Big Boy, I did raise the issue of St Johns Wort with the doctor. Although no specific health issue was raised, we did establish that the chemical compound of SJW is similar to some anti depressants. There are 3 main types of these anti depressants which explains why the SJW works for some, is borderline for others, and doesn't seem to do anything for The Others.

Apparently, I'm one of The Others.

Whats happened here is that I'm going to give the SJW a miss now as I've been given some "proper" anti depressants called Citalopram.(part of the Prozac family). I'm starting off at 10mg, with a three week review. This, in time, will now blow the Life insurance quotes through the roof. I think I'll have to concentrate on clearing the mortgage quicker rather than paying the (higher) Life Insurance. Time will tell.Can't afford to do either at the moment.

And that pain, on my left hand side? We think that my cartiledge around the 12th rib is inflamed so I've got an Xray appointment at the QE sometime. I've eased the pain a little bit over the last couple of days by putting an extra cushion cushion on my chair so I look down on the computer now a bit more. Don't know why, but it seems to help.

And the Teenage One has been confirmed with some kind of throat infection, so she's on anti biotics now. I didn't tell the wife about why I wanted to go to the doctors, but she still knows now.

How?

I left the new tablets on the table, and she looked the name up on the internet. So I've confirmed everything with her, including the pain I'd previously said nothing about. I just can't tell her why I'm "depressed" because I don't know myself. shes already starting to make the connection between me and my mother. I know it's inherited, there's nothing I can do about it.

didn't say anything because of that old fashioned man thing, you know, not wanting to appear weak in front of The Family. Ah well, all The Family will know now!

Until tomorrow

Paul

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4am Monday 23rd April - My sleepings really shot!

Source: knightrider45
Monday 23rd April 2007, 4:30am

Oh Humm! Not doing very well with this sleeping lark am I? its 4am, I've been up since quarter past midnight after going to bed, tired, at 10.30pm, and I've walked around the back garden twice now!

I knew ths one would be difficult as I can't control it. Stupid sleep!

Making the best of it though - working on one of my web sites, so it is serving a purpose.

Yesterday (Sunday), not a lot to report really. Helped the mother in law clear her loft out as shes having more insulation fitted today, then cut the grass at the back - the wife borrowed a neighbours small lawnmower so she could do the front grass for me.

The mixing with people experiment continued - I spoke to a neighbour properly for the first time ever - I normally only say hello or something - so I am being Socially Responsible and "Socialising". Had a good conversation for about half hour or so.

But if this Socialising is supposed to be making me feel different, its not. But, I'll carry it on for a while, when I think about it, in case something "clicks". At the moment, it's just an empty exercise.

The Teenage One is starting to come down with some kind of Lurgy, so I don't know if she'll be going to school or not today yet.

Oh, and before I forget again, I still haven't had a reply from Its My Market admin yet about our personal message problem - its now starting to get on for 2 weeks. I don't think their contact us button is working either. Oops!

Okay, that's about it. It's now 4.30, I'm going to do another couple of hours or so on the website until the wife gets up (I don't want to go to bed and wake her up now as shes up early enough anyway), then I'll try getting a few zeds for a couple of hours. Alledgedly.

The only thing I've got to do today when I get up is to make an appointment with the doctor - I've still got that pain on my left hand side. Apart from that, I'll take the rest of the day as it comes.

Paul

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Saturday 21st - Operation "Enforced People Mixing" Completed

Source: knightrider45
Saturday 21st April 2007, 10:52pm

Well, I did it. Last night. On my previous posting here I said I had to start mixing with people again. So, at work last night, I ignored my need for isolation and "mixed" with people again.

Its not all it's cracked up to be really, is it? Or maybe its just me.

Do I feel different? No.

But, after writing yesterday, I thought that there's no point in leaving things hanging. I'm lucky, in one respect, that my job gives me good freedom when I'm not busy, and as last night was promised to be quiet, I took the opportunity and mixed.

I spoke to everyone I could and went into places I hadn't been for months, firstly, to prove to myself that I could do it, and secondly to re-open the channels of communication for future mixing exercises.

Although it was good seeing people I haven't spoken to for months, and been made welcome by them, I was painfully aware most of the time though that I was there, well, as part of an experiment really, nothing more. I'd still rather be isolated, on my own, and, prefably, not at work.

Maybe it was my ulterior motive that spoilt the exercise, I certainly wasn't in the groups as a matter of personal interest. It is this sense of detachment that I think sets me apart from everyone else. I just cannot regenerate, or find, this friendship gene in me at all. That "thing" or whatever it is, just doesn't exist in me now.

I just can't relate to people on the friendship level. At all. This detachment is overpowering and acute. Its just not "normal", is it? I am acutely aware that I keep everyone at (more than) arms length.

I may talk, laugh with, and join in with whatever group of people I'm with. But I just cannot let myself belong to that group. I cannot be one of them. Seemingly, for ever.

Maybe it will improve over time and The Experiment continues. Maybe.

Paul

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Friday 19th April - Its so funny, how we don't talk anymore

Source: knightrider45
Friday 20th April 2007, 8:31am

Text and email - oh, and blog as well - is all we seem to do these days. And with my present moods, I'm grateful that it's socially acceptable not to talk to people anymore.

But it's wrong. And, as part of my cognitive therapy for the moods, it's got to change.

I have two major tasks in front of me now to try and repair, and keep at bay, these black moods .Both of these tasks are really hard, but for different reasons.

The first thing that I have to do on the road to repair is re-learn how to interact with other people. This flies against everything I stand for. Don't get me wrong; I'm certainly not shy or anything silly like that, but my attitude to people in general has been born from experience. I have a negative attitude to people and I'm told that this, in conjunction with my need for isolation, is causing severe damage to myself, and even re-enforcing the moods.

And this started through my business in the 90's, when there wasn't a single day went by without being let down by one of my staff, a customer, or whoever. And that went on for five years.

I don't do socialising anymore, and haven't done so for years. I have a clinical distrust of people, and can't go on with this negative attitude to other people. It's just going to be so hard to change this around.

And the second thing is also difficult, but through different reasons.

I'm going through a stage at the moment of doing, or not doing, things without realising. And forgetting things - like the access code to the office door at work, you know, the one I've used every day for the last 2 or 3 years!

The Family have noticed it, and have started saying things like "I'm losing It" and the such like.

This is simply through sleep deprivation. (I Hope!!) I've tried explaining to The Family, that by 8am Friday, they've had 40ish hours sleep since 8am Monday.

I've had 15 - 17 hours in the same time period, because by 8am Friday, I've only been to bed Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, for an average of 5 hours a day, as oppose to their 8 or 9 hours every night for 4 nights.

No wonder then that I keep doing silly things, like turning on the wrong hob on the cooker when I'm doing The Family's tea, so when they come in, the empty back hob on the cookers red hot, but the pan with the food in on the front hob's stone cold! And the times I've forgotten what they've said to me, or asked me to do something.

So, I've got to improve my sleeping, somehow. Both when I'm working nights, and when I'm off as well, when I can't sleep, and I'm walking around the back garden at 3 in the morning!

Perhaps, just perhaps, when I'm not so tired, I won't be so irritable, or moody.

Both extremely difficult challenges, and, at the moment, I'm not sure whether I'll be able to do either.

But that's the plan any way. And now, to move on.

The main part of the business dies today when the server goes off air. Taking with it my hopes, dreams, hard cash, and cash flow forecasts. Back to the drawing board. I've still got to revamp the main format of the business to business side of things over the weekend, and next week, then I can move onto promoting the retail side of things.

And I will try to start revamping my life, and outlook at the same time. I am down today, perhaps obviously, because the main part of the business has died. My need for absolute isolation, away from everyone, and everything, is paramount.

But, putting everything together, (and being creatively positive here) its time to restart over from scratch. Today is Day Zero. I took a chance and failed, this time, but everything happens for a reason. I just can't find the reason at the moment, but I'm sure it's there somewhere.

Until tomorrow

Paul

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Wednesday 18th April -Starting Over

Source: knightrider45
Wednesday 18th April 2007, 4:15pm

Thanks again for the support yesterday guys. You're all brilliant out there. Big boy, once again, you made me laugh!

But these experts say, working under the law of attraction, that you attract into your life what you think about most of the time. So, if I concentrate on sheer, abject poverty, for example, that's what I'll get.

Thoughts become actions. Actions become your character. Your character becomes your Destiny.

Problem is, is that it's difficult to concentrate on anything else when your backs to the wall all the time.

Thats everyday, 7 days a week.

Anyway, lets change the subject! CAB - you've noticed the change as well in my postings - I think this must be the acceptance stage. Now I've given up the biggest part of the new business (and lost most of my members now), its just there - hanging - not doing anything until I can get around to reformatting the whole idea and concept. And I'm working on ideas now as I'm reloading the site back up.

I'm still, with difficulty, trying to change my attitude on a conscious level. That positive action, combiened with acceptance of what's happened has happened, and the tablets(!) are all working together and lightening my load, as it were, have at the same time taken away a lot of pressure on a day to day basis.

And that can only be a good thing. Long term though (and here I go again), I must get more cash into the house. And the original point of this still stands. I don't have a degree, and can't therefore, get a job paying paying £50,000 to release the £34,000 a year household expenses.

But I'm enjoying the enforced holiday, a breathing space, while I get my act together. I'm still working on the business on a day to day basis, but with the main part of the business now gone, along with the expenses of running it, and the pressure to get cash in to meet the bills, has eased the Urgency of it all.

And its the urgency of my life that drives me to the wall sometimes. I may have lost this battle, and face with it, but I have not surrended the war. No way.

Big Boy, I note what you've said about the St Johns Wort - thanks for the advice. I'm still in pain on my left side and I'm going to the doctors next week when I'm off, so I'll ask about the SJW at the same time. It may be that he'll prescribe something again, but my only concern with this is that my life insurance, when I can afford it, will go through the roof.

And that brings us back to The House and The Mortgage. Life does go around in circles, doesn't it?

Until tomorrow - and thanks again guys - you're all brilliant

Paul

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Tuesday 17th April - "You become what you think about most of the time"

Source: knightrider45
Tuesday 17th April 2007, 4:40pm

Thanks for the encouragement again yesterday Letty and CAB - your kind thoughts are really welcome.

The experts are right you know, sometimes (!), when they say blogging is a good way of keeping a diary. It's amazing how I'm getting friends on here who I don't know, never met or anything.

And other experts warn that you become what you think about most of the time.

Just to let you know that I've also emailed IMM Admin about our Personal Messaging problems - I did this yesterday - its strange how some of us get some messages, but most of us get nothing at all.

Okay, onto today. Had a little bit of an upset yesterday after doing my blog because the cheque I paid in last week hadn't cleared in the bank yet. This was a US Dollar cheque (check as the Americans say) and, for those that haven't dealt with foreign cheques, the bank sends them onto a big clearing house somewhere after you pay them in and send a letter to you when the cheque clears. Fine. The only difference is that, with a foreign cheque, the cleared balance doesn't automatically go onto your account like a normal one. It can take up to 10 days.

So, I've had to have a sub of my employers against next months wages to pay the last of this months bills, which, I suppose, isn't so bad really considering all the overtime I'm doing this month.

Well, it means that we've kept The House for another month. It will have it's revenge this weekend though as the grass wants cutting again, back and front, so that's another 3 or 4 hours of my life this weekend.

Still working on the attitude, still trying to change my way of thinking. I've increased the St John'sWort to the maximum level yesterday to try and get my head around things.

"You become what you think about most of the time". I'm trying to think about how things should be, not as they are now.

Until tomorrow

Paul

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Monday 16th April - Trying to change the attitude!

Source: knightrider45
Monday 16th April 2007, 1:54pm

And not doing very well at the moment! But, am trying so hard now to STOP being the victim of my life

I must admit though, I'm not doing very well at the moment with it.

Just nipping off around the local post office now to charge up my prepaid master card to pay the hosting fees for my shop web site, then withdrawing what I can from the business account to pay towards the last of this months (payable) bills.

Back at work tonight after having just Sunday night off this week to recharge the old batteries - I have been so tired last week. And, no doubt, I'll be tired this week too. Updating the B2B membership site is coming on slowly and I hope to have this revamped site on line by the weekend.

Just started telling the few members I have left today that the main site is coming down at the end of the month. See, I can admit failure in writing!! I've put the doctors off until next week when I'm off again, at the moment, THAT pain has mellowed, probably as a result of getting some sleep.

Paul

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Its My Market Admin- can you check this script please?

Source: knightrider45
Friday 13th April 2007, 3:34pm

Instant messaging doesn't work - no ones getting anyone else's messages! Apologies to all I've IM'ed since I've been here - I'm not really ignorant! and, please, any update on the logs being emailed out to the writers/owners yet?

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I owe, I owe, its off to work I go

Source: knightrider45
Friday 13th April 2007, 3:23pm

thanks again for your support yesterday guys, it means so much! I am getting so much unmitigated crap at the moment, its unreal. Sympathy not required please.

Well, it's certainiy Friday the 13th! I've just had to give the mortgage company a right a*se kicking because the repossession papers/court papers came through today.Got them when I got up this afternoon after last nights shift.

Thats despite, don't forget, reaching a formal agreement with them AND making the first payment on the new, agreed schedule. Ahead of time. All £850 of it. The operator who answered the phone, and took the brunt of my call, agreed that there's no action coming. Yet more incompetance from a big company. HOW do they get away with it.

The letters, one each for me and my wife, have certainly put the dampers on the day for me. After talking to the mortgage place, I've requested a formal letter off them, confirming that no action is being taken, and have hidden, for the time being, the papers away. No point in spoiling The Family's weekend for no need, is there?

Like I said last week, IF I was single and on my own, the mortgage company would have had the keys back ages ago. I have no interest in the house at all, and I'd happily resettle in a bedsit somewhere.

Stupid people. Stupid mortgage company. And, of course, stupid, unwanted house. And mortgage.

But, I am head of The Family, and must pull all stops out to look after them.Its part of being a man.

I am still upset over the decision the House forced me to make earlier this week, and the letters today, well, that just tops the lot really. The emails from my friend, the web master are truely gut wrenching and she's saying all these nice things about me which I don't deserve. I have pulled out of our business deal that she was depending on. And wrecked her hopes and business as well as my own. It's going to take a long time for me to get over this.

On the same subject, sort of, I've "Volunteered" for 36 hours overtime this month, and I'm spending 3 holiday days from my entitlement to get some more cash in. That's another weeks wage this month. Ish. For the House you understand.

And the first overtime shift is tomorrow night. And I'm so tired and worn out already. I keep thinking that, when it's all over, it will be worth it. I just can't believe what I think.

Anyway, nothing more to say really, other than that, somehow, I've got to get to the doctors sometime, somehow, next week. I've got a pain that starts at the bottom of my ribs, on my left hand side, that is a dull ache and has spread upto my shoulder, up my neck, and up my left side of my head. Anadin Extra only takes the pain away for an hour or so. Despite this being on my left side (think heart), I'm not unduly concerned because I've had it before, and simply put, it's a stress pain. Its not psychological either, because my stricture swelled up like crazy on Wednesday and wouldn't go down. So I couldn't eat for 24 hours or so. Not that I'm hungry anyway.

One day, this will be worth it. I WILL pull through this, get rid of all the crap in my life and just be normal. Can't wait. Enjoy your "normal" life guys, I'm so jealous.

Thanks for "listening" guys. Sorry I'm so angry

Paul

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Thursday 12th April - It's gone Forever

Source: knightrider45
Thursday 12th April 2007, 3:31pm

Well,I won't forget yesterday for a long, long time to come. The constant need for more money all the times means that I cannot be satisfied with life as it is. That makes it my job to make really heart wrenching decisions

The financial situation here has forced me to drop one of my main businesses. Oh, Okay, theres other things involved as well but finance is the main reason.

It's not so much my pride that's been hurt here, but the fact that I've let other people down because of this decision is unforgiveable.

Anyway, the worst is done. I certainly don't want to have to do it again. I've managed to help persuade my web master to carry on for a while longer at least anyway. My new retail site is safe.

My decision has forced my web master to seriously consider her options too. Let me introduce you to her: she's a lovely, professional lady who is disabled and depends on what comes through the door to live. In over 4 years of trading on line, I've never "met" anyone whos as honest, reliable and dedicated. I've never seen her, met her or spoke to her, but you just know with some people, don't you?

I've told her that she'll always have a special place in my heart because she has broke all records getting this demanding, server draining, time consuming business on line for me.

Anyway, what shes going to have to do is move everything onto one server, after closing a lot of her marketing groups down to make room. Because the groups use email , the servers are under constant heavy use and the only way she can run a business and host her other sites, including my retail one, is by closing a lot of the groups down, otherwise the server would just wouldn't handle things and keep crashing.

Hours and hours of work for her. What I've said this morning after getting her last email is that I'm going to really start promoting my new site as hard as I can, not least of all because I act as agent for her hosting and web design services, and I know she is an excellent web designer. In other words, I'll help her by helping me.

I'm just pleased, if anything can be retrieved from this sad, sorry mess, is that, firstly, she is going to carry on,and secondly, that my new retail site is safe. Otherwise, if she had stopped trading totally, I would have had to re-upload my new site to a another company's server after transferring the web (domain) name back into the UK.

I don't know how much money I've lost yesterday, certainly not without going through the accounts. It's at least £2,500-3000, since September. Don't get me wrong, it was a good decision at the time, but within 6 weeks of starting, Paypal decided email marketing was in contravention to it's terms of use and told me to stop selling the service using Paypal.

Bearing in mind that the vast majority of businesses on the net are part time, and are run by people who will only use Paypal for business and internet use. If Paypal refuse to process payments, then, it doesn't matter to them, but it takes a lot of little businesses down.

And that's what happened. And I can only afford high server charges for a certain time out of wages. I'm not saying the business would have been a brilliant success with Paypal support, but it was at least manageable, and viable. Now, it's nothing.

Okay, moving on. I've still got two businesses up and running. I'm revamping my business to business site now, aiming to get ths done over the next 10 days, and then I'll concentrate on making the retail one really successful. I've just submitted the new site to the top 50 search engines, including Google and Yahoo, so, when it does get fully listed, that will start bringing in some cash. All cash taken will be re-invested in advertising the business offline.

Thanks everyone for your concerned comments. Simon, I sent you my personal email address over the weekend through IMM's personal messaging service - did you get it OK? Looking forward to those caravan photos!! Letty, I'll aiming to do your survey tomorrow.

I'll try and be more upbeat tomorrow. At the moment, life is, and i feel, s*it.I've just this second had another email from my web host. She tells me she's blessed that I've found her. Why I don't know.

Paul

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Deep inside the forest is a door into another Land

Source: knightrider45
Tuesday 10th April 2007, 4:40pm

Here is our life and home, We are safe, if for ever in the beauty of this place all alone, We keep on hoping,

Maybe,

There's a place where we don't have to run,

Maybe,

There's a time we'll call our own, living free in harmony and totally debt free,

We keep on hoping, Maybe,

Take me home, take me home.

I cannot find this door in the forest to take me to this other land. I have just sorted my wages out again, which I hate doing, because it's so dammed difficult. I have paid the mortgage, THAT telephone bill, the heating oil again (three months oil gone in 6 or 7 weeks, AGAIN,) and the secured loan.

£1,300 gone in seconds. Now, there is no cash left for petrol for the month, the Council tax, my cigarettes, and my business.

How I wish I'd never, ever, ever, seen this house.

The business closes at the end of this month. 2 years work down the pan. What a criminal waste of my life, my hopes, dreams and ambitions.

And all for a stupid house.

I'll feel better tomorrow. I promise. Okay then, I hope.

Paul

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Sunday 8th April - Happy Easter

Source: knightrider45
Sunday 8th April 2007, 6:09am

Its just another working day for me though, and I guess that's the same for a lot of people. Its a great shame how we seem to have lost the true meaning of Easter isn''t it?

Now, in Norfolk, my Easters are full of Caravans! Edde2sox, think of me at the banger/caravan derby tomorrow won't you?! But, I suppose working Easter is better than working Christmas Day (which I'm also scheduled to work this year as well)

Okay, its 6am, just about ready to go through the door. Again. Hopefully get back home for 2pm ish, then work on the business for a little while.

Telecom update: I forgot to mention yesterday that Telecom have given us back the full service, we were "reconnected" Thursday. So my 14 year old daughter is now happy again.

One of my all time favourite hobbies you know is anserwing(spellcheck!) the phone for my daughter - some days, this can be a full time job in itself.

Got "told off" by my line manager at work yesterday, who'd found out that I'd volunteered to work a week of nights, giving a colleague my week of days, rather than go out on a works night out. He just can't understand why anyone, least of all me, doesn't want to socialise! He's met everyone else's wife, apart from mine, and really thinks I'm cruel depriving her of this kind of llife.

One day, I'll tell him, but not just yet.

Okay, got to run, until tomorrow

Paul

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Must record, not fade away!

Source: knightrider45
Saturday 7th April 2007, 6:03am

Haven't blogged for four days! After my earlier mood swings this week, I've just kept my head down and kept busy.

Communication in our household - on my part anyway - has been minimal all week. Only had to go out once - that was Thursday afternoon, so, with exception to that, I've managed to stay in my world.

My mood has been at all time low. But, positive things this week: my new web site is up and running. Finished. All I've got to do now is add to it as I find new suppliers and lines. The search engine has been primed and is now much quicker. I eventually got round to putting a CD Rewriter in my computer so I've copied all the web pages onto CD, just in case I have another mishap with the computer dying.

So much pressure has just gone now! And, to be honest, I feel empty now sometimes, at a loose end- so strange! The plans with my second job have been thought about this week as well, and earlier on I was thinking about going into market trading to give the business a good kick start.

I've made enquiries with both North and West Norfolk councils, got their rent (pitch) prices, and then looked around for a market stall. The cheapest, decent one I found was £160.

But, like a lot of things, I've had to leave the idea alone because of the start up costs - with the rents, the stall and the stock of course - I worked out that I'd have needed about £600 just to start. And, in my position, that's just not viable.

Oh, one more thing. Checking the marketing site yesterday from Google's links, I've noticed that Google has picked up a couple of my earlier blogs from here and put the links under the marketing sites name. So, customers from everywhere can link me, the site, and this blog together.

That's not what I want - obviously. So I've had to edit a couple of my earlier posts yesterday. I don't want this site - my diary- getting mixed up with my business. No more business names in this blog!

And that's about it. The last few days have flown by, and its now 6am, Saturday, and I'm ready to leave for work again. Days today and tomorrow, back on nights Mon to Friday.

There endeth that week of freedom.

Until tomorrow,

Paul

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Monday 2nd April - There's a kind of hush, all over my world

Source: knightrider45
Tuesday 3rd April 2007, 1:14am

Firstly, Telecom still haven't, and I don't think, will, put the phone back on full service, despite what I've been told - twice- by them on the phone.

Basically, when I make a call on the phone I get a recorded message saying: "Your call is being diverted to BT. There isn't a fault, and you're not being charged."

Marvellous. It's good to talk, except when BT drop a whopper, dont record our calls (or charge for them for 6 months) and then, all of a sudden, send us an extra bill two weeks after the main quarterly one.

It's not my fault BT can't do their job properly. And on those grounds, and the fact that it's an extra bill, they agreed to extend the payment date till I get paid and restore full service in the meantime. BT - you want your a*se kicking - hard.

I haven't spoken to them today. Don't intend to either - fed up of all the promises, long conversations, just for nothing to happen. No more.

And secondly, there's a hush because there's a strange mood in the house between The Family. Got told off today as soon as my wife came in from work about always moaning, and that she's fed up of it. Virtually the first thing she said to me as she walked through the door. Fine, I don't feel like talking much, anyway.

Just worked away on the computer since I got up at 10.45 (!) - up late because I couldn't sleep last night so I got back up and stayed up to 2am.

My employer hounded me to work yesterday (Sunday) as well on top of everything else as they were short of staff. Told them that I couldn't go in as I hadn't got the extra petrol to get into work - and that's true. I tried to stay civil because I'm after all the work I can get after the next payday (when I've kept petrol money back for extra shifts). They kept ringing throughout the day, despite what I'd told them first thing on the phone, so, in order to stay civil, I didn't answer the phone again.

It rang for ages at a time, which peed the wife off even more. But, if I'd have answered it again, I'd have severely upset someone. And blew any chance of overtime this month.

Thanks again for the replies yesterday guys, I really appreciate your thoughts. I'm not making me out to be a martar (spelling) - its just that, I accept that there's other people involved here besides me. I can't talk about giving the house up with the wife; it would break her heart.

But, the way I am at the moment, and if it wasn't for other people being involved, I'll throw the lot in tomorrow and start again. Dewdrop - you're right though. I'll just keep plodding on, eventually, God willing (!) there'll be an end to this whole sad, sorry and pitiful state of affairs.

Somehow.

Until tomorrow

Paul

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Sunday 1st April - Shouldn't be thinking like this

Source: knightrider45
Monday 2nd April 2007, 2:24am

It just keeps going from bad to worse and I'm starting to think the house I'm buying is just a big millstone around my neck

In amongst the turmoil today, I got to thinking about how things used to be. Mid life Crisis perhaps?

Whatever, it all started because if the extreme lack of money again. I began to ponder on the those days, long ago, of the £40 a week bedsit!

Shouldn't be thinking this way, but in a few desperate moments today, and only for a few, I toyed around with the idea of just selling up.

You see, I'm growing to hate the house. To me, it represents the cause of my poverty and constant struggle. There's always something going wrong, falling apart, running out, dropping off or whatever and it's never satisfied with whatever amount of money I pump into it - it still wants more. And I'm sick to death of it all. Oh, and cutting it's grass as well, that took me 4 hours or so today.

I spent my last pound yesterday, I've run out of tobacco (yes I'm on rollups now, as oppose to the "Tailor mades"), nothing left, no money left.

So, why is it then, that my son and wife have seen me struggling with this today, and said nothing about all the spare tobacco the son had in his car? Someones definately taking the mick out of me here. And no, I still haven't got any.

Im so fed up at being on the bottom of everyone's pile. Everyone seems to be taking the mick or just couldn't care less. Don't get me wrong, I'm after no favours, or sympathy.

Lets just say the prospect of jacking everything in, the house, the business,everything, seems really tempting at the moment. If it wasn't for the "Family"................

Until tomorrow

Paul

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