Posted in January 2007

Monday 29th January - Time flies so fast

Source: knightrider45
Tuesday 30th January 2007, 7:37am

I can't believe just how fast time goes. After finishing the last nightshift at 7am Saturday morning, I got home at 8am,went to bed at about 9 and got up at 12.30, so looking forward to going back to bed at night.

The problem is though that the first day after finishing a set of nights is always wasted as I have to readjust back to day living. So Saturdays totally wasted.

Sunday I didn't do anything except help my friend from work sort out our kitchen and shower. So hard transferring wire from the meter up into the loft, across the loft and back down into the kitchen area.

Glass Fibre everywhere from the loft insulation, and aches and pains from bending down into seriously small gaps under the lowest point of the roof eaves, having to lie totally flat on my stomach! We finished this work off at about 6pm, after starting at 10.30am, so it was a long, hard day for both of us.

Then Monday, I've started decorating the bathroom and lounge, hoping to get most of it finished by Wednesday (this bit of decorating anyway - can't afford to do it all at once). Thursday & Friday I'll concentrate on the business.

Its nice having a few days off from both work and the business - but the reminder letters keep coming through the letterbox reminding me that I should still be working to pay these bills.

And for these 5 days, I don't care. I need to rest from nights and get other bits of my life sorted out.

I'm doing my revised accounts during a few quiet hours on Saturday. The retail business should be up and running on my American servers within a week - and then I've just got to upload all the sales pages, so that transfer is seriously under way.

And I've re-ordered my St Johns Wort (the proper ones, not the Tesco ones) to help keep these dark moods at bay. As much as possible, anyway.

"Removing Failure as an option"

Until tomorrow,

Paul

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Thursday 25th January- The Law Of Attraction

Source: knightrider45
Friday 26th January 2007, 3:20pm

I've been reading up on some self development issues lately and one report I read stated that this unwritten law, the Law of Attraction, means that you attract into your life what you think about most of the time

Hello? Now, I'm not sure about this. Sure, I think about money (poverty/vultures) most of the time because I'm always firefighting them all the time.

It got me thinking though. So, just to clear up the atmosphere, as it were, the only reason I concentrate on money issues is that I know what I need to earn to live comfortably, that is, to be able to pay all the bills when they fall due.

The only way I can do this is by putting monthly amounts away every payday so that, when the bills arrive, the money is already there, or at least, will be within the next month.

And the problems caused because my expenses are going to be about £36,000 this year. I earn an average £20,000. That's my whole problem

But life also constantly throws new problems at me - as this blog has perhaps demonstrated the short time it's been on air. Although I'm grateful for every day I'm alive, and for the health of myself and my family, is there really anyone else who has such long runs of bad luck?

And how do others manage to live on a wage? I have no credit cards, bank loans or overdrafts to repay, so in theory, I'm a lot better off because I don't have these to pay every month?

Or is the problem caused simply because I don't have these accounts?

And todays problem is........ I've had to take my car off the road this morning because that noise and vibration problem that started last week is now there All the time.

It sounds (and feels) like an expensive problem, as car faults normally are. I can't do anything about this until I'm off at the weekend, so I'll have to use the wifes car for a couple of days. This has, straight away, blown next months budget straight through the window.

I wouldn't mind, but I'd just put another weeks petrol in last night on the way to work.

The Law of attraction..........I don't think so somehow.

Until tomorrow

Paul

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Wednesday 24th January- 2 new sales

Source: knightrider45
Thursday 25th January 2007, 4:37pm

Well, this is more like it! checked my emails after coming home this morning and got two new sales, one of which is a one off new customer with a one time only order, and the other is one of my regular subscribers.

Having woken up tired again at 2.00pm last nights shift was a long, drawn out one again. I'm starting to hit the tiredness stage again, which is a pain. The temperature outside going down to minus 2, with a wind chill factor of -3 at some stages made sure it was a cold one as well.

Other than that, nothing to report really. Had another debt letter come through the post, done no adveritsing, aiming to do this using the submitter Thursday, friday and Saturday. Thinking of joining some more safelist groups, but I have to do these manually because they charge me a rental fee to access the using the submitter software.

I'm aiming on rewriting my goal list out this weekend and readjusting the accounts forJanuary, carrying the accounts I haven't paid forward to next month, and finding out how much my debt has increased again. Good job I don't use credit cards and loans isn't it?

IMM - nice improvements to the site by the way!

Until tomorrow

Paul

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Tuesday January 23- the snow comes

Source: knightrider45
Wednesday 24th January 2007, 6:02pm

And it did, at 1.50 am on the night shift in Kings Lynn to be precise. Fortunately nothing too dramatic, nothing too bad, and it didn't stick for long.

But it was cold. And I don't know what it is, but the cold seems to make my stomach stricture swell up and it gets uncomfortable. The swelling was still up when I went to bed.

No advertising done today, no sales either. Where does time go? I'm writing this at 5.45 pm and I'm just getting ready to leave for tonights shift. Woke up tired, so I guess this next nightshift is going to be a long one.

Phoned the bank today and cancelled my direct debit for Telecom, paid the months installment on the electric bill instead and put the rest to petrol. We've just got a quarterly account with Eastern Energy and we were supposed to be paying £10 weekly - but we had a letter come yesterday saying, yes, that plans fine, but we have to pay the first month in full first. So that's the rest of this month's budget ruined then.

Still trying to juggle finances the best way I can. The vultures letters come through the door daily.

Roll on the time the business takes off and I don't have to struggle for cash so much. Fed up of struggling all the time.

Until tomorrow

Paul

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Monday January 22- back on nighhts

Source: knightrider45
Tuesday 23rd January 2007, 5:38pm

Well, this shows why my body clock is totally shot through - Finished a nightshift at 7am Saturday, changed from nights to days and went back to work 7am Sunday, and now I'm back on nights tonight starting at 7pm.

Spent the day on my retail web site rather than the business site, as I was planning to do yesterday, as I see things happening quicker, and more doors opening, with the retail site on line, so I did another few pages of this during the day.

Yesterdays shift was quite good - I managed to get 6 hours total isolation which helps put my brain in order for a while.

Other than that, did no advertising today, I don't know what todays web page count is because I haven't checked the counter, and there's no sales today either. But, with an extra 9 hours to myself today everything was pressure free - and , at the moment, that's what I need.

Until tomorrow

Paul

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Sunday 21 January - a normal day

Source: knightrider45
Sunday 21st January 2007, 6:39pm

Did a few hours overtime today, every little helps. Got back home at about 1.30pm, sent some ads out using the submitter, then finished putting the fence panels back up that I started yesterday.

Feel better today thanks to the double dose of sleep yesterday, even though I had to get up at 5am this morning. Back on nights tomorrow on my normal shift. Looking forward to 7am Saturday when my week of nights is over and I've got a few days off at home for a welcome change. Been totally on the go today since 5am. and its now almost 8pm as I write this.

Still no sales, although the web page is getting an average 15-20 hits per day according to the counter. Aiming to concentrate on the membership site tomorrow and get new affiliate pages on line.

Until tomorrow
Paul

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Saturday 20th January - Out of time

Source: knightrider45
Saturday 20th January 2007, 8:08pm

Last nights shift dragged with countless interuptions again. Hard when you just want to be on your own.

Night off tonight, but I'm back at work on overtime at 7am tomorrow morning, so I'm up at 5 again.

Bodyclock, obviously, totally shot through.

Made one new sale today on the business - this is a repeat subscription fee, otherwise, 20 people have checked my website after hitting the ads with the submitter yesterday, but there's no new sales.

Haven't advertised today - no time. Try again tomorrow.

Spent the afternoon after getting up after 4 hours sleep sorting out the fence that was blown down on Thursday. geting the posts up, re-cementing, replacing again. Still not finished - I'm aiming to finish off tomorrow after coming home from work, after I've sent more ads out using the submitter.

I've had the day off from the computer apart from checking emails and the blogs - I've started to transfer my retail web site over to my American servers to save some money.

Shortfall total to date on the £50,000 target earnings: £1,471.69

Until tomorrow

Paul

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Friday 19th January - It's back again

Source: knightrider45
Saturday 20th January 2007, 7:59am

The speed it crept up on me has surprised me. I left the house to drive to work for nightshift with an overwhelming sense of tiredness but the over riding emotion has to be the anger.

Everyone around me at the moment is happy, cheerful and laughing. Why does that irritate me? Why am I angered by people talking to me when all I want is silence?

Everythings irritating me now. Too much noise, everywhere.I'm craving isolation and sleep. I need to be left alone. I drive to work in silence. Why is life controlling me so much, when it's supposed to be the other way around?

My head aches at the back with a tightness that is unreal in pain and streches from ear to ear. My mouth ulcers/blisters hurt as a result of the excess stomach acid. Tears are pricking my eyes. The level of stress is borderline fit to burst.I have a dull ache which occasionally turns to a sharp pain in my left shoulder.

I have so much to do. No time to do it. My life is full of interuptions I neither want nor need. I know I cannot be left alone, nor can I stay at home to do what I want to do. The dark black mood has set in again over the last 2 hours and I can't do anything about it at all, although I understand it's mechanics. Now I don't know how long it will last for again. Must get some more proper St John's Wort, but just cannot be bothered.

Instead, I'l just waste another 12 pointless hours of my life here at work in my pointless job. As I park my car on the car park I seriously think of just turning around again, never to come back. But the responsibility tells me I can't. Too many bills, direct debits and responsibilities.

I put a polo in my mouth to help get rid of my thirst and help keep the stomach acid down, take a deep breath, and walk into work, so angry that I am so powerless.

The one thing this horrible curse/disease has taught me is to be a dammed good liar. I pretend to be cheerful as I walk through the door.

Until next time

Paul

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Friday 19th January - Direct Debited to death

Source: knightrider45
Saturday 20th January 2007, 7:56am

The vultures have started circling again. All it seems sometimes is that I work hard every month for long hours just to give every penny away to the vultures

These Vultures seem to be always circling my life, but for 10 days or so every month, they take turns in landing at my front door.

How can I make attempts to control my bank account when I have no choice but to be direct debited to death every month? These are the people who go into my bank account- when they see fit to- and just take money. What gives these people the right to demand payment only by direct debit because no other payment process is used (Car Insurance) or because they charge me £30 monthly on top of the normal payment if I pay any other way than direct debit (the mortgage). Why do some companies insist on trying to take payments when I've cancelled the Direct Debit anyway?

The letters are coming in now from the accounts I couldn't pay this month. As expected. The bank must love me at the this time of the month!

My one Big Thing this year has to be hit the £50,000 mark to cover all the bills and make sure I pick up the nett amount of cash I need. The only problem with that though is that, so far this month, I should have earned £2465.82 - but I've only managed to earn £1164. 00. Just 19 days into the new year and I'm already £1301.82 short of the amount I need to earn just to pay the bills, after tax and the rest of it.

Like I said a couple of days ago, wages are now totally inadequate for living. With inflation now running at the highest level in 15 years, the fourth mortgage/interest rise in 7 months on it's way next month (meaning my mortgage would have gone up by £100 per month), the Council tax due in 6 weeks time - higher than last year - of course - and no pay rise for 2 years.

There's definately a recession on the way again. Helped along, no doubt by Labours spending - and it's always us who carry the can and pick up the pieces.

This business must take off. If I can help people by giving them what they want or need for a lower price then it must be good - for them, as well as me. Then, I can stop struggling to earn a living, and make some proper money instead. Then we start to live instead of survivng until the next pay day.

I've had a beautiful comment from julie this morning on one of my posts. Thanks julie, I've replied on the same post. There are some wonderful, understanding people out there. And I'm grateful.

Until tomorrow

Paul

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Thursday 18th January - Wind Damage

Source: knightrider45
Thursday 18th January 2007, 4:21pm

Well, it started raining in Kings Lynn at 2.20am this morning - and yes, I did miss it - by about half an hour! Thought I was lucky - but guess what - the weather caught up with me later

The weather forecasters were right today- the high wind woke me up at 12pm Dinnnertime after just three hours sleep as it was - literally- shaking the window frames in the bedroom. tried getting back to sleep, but the wife then woke me up because the wind had blown down three fence panels and she couldn't get them back into the garden by herself.

Really bad weather! So this is what Global Warmings about then!

Went back to bed at 2pm to get another hours sleep, making a total of 4 today (aren't I lucky?) as I've still got to do a 12 hour nightshift tonight. Tired already - and definately got the flu starting big time. Stomachs still behaving itself - good - replaced by tension headaches by the flu. Not good.

Like I said before, I just couldn't make up my life could I?

Done some advertising using my submitter, hopefully these ads will get a few people to check out - and more importantly join - my business sites.

Until tomorrow

Paul

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Wednesday 17th January - One mad rush

Source: knightrider45
Wednesday 17th January 2007, 4:20pm

Why do I put myself through this? Woke up very tired (really sore eyes) at 1.30pm because I've got millions of things to do, started working within 10 minutes of getting up. At least I've had 5 hours sleep!

Haven't done any advertising today - I'll do this Thursday, Friday & Saturday this week, see if I can pull in more sales on Saturday like I did last week. No sales today either.

The car seems to be getting worse - the noise & vibration started as soon as I started the car this morning, and lasted most of the way home. I hope it makes it through to next payday!The wife has started to get her replacement cards through from the bank today, so at least we can move on from this a little bit.

Okay, it's 4.15pm, can definately feel the stress creeping up on me again, my hearts racing and the irritibility (is that spelt right?) is unreal, got to do the tea for when everyone gets home from work, then leave the house again for another nightshift. Very bad weather forecast tonight, and as I'm outside for a couple hours as part of the nightshift, I hope I miss the rain and gales.

Nothing like getting freezing cold and soaked through when you're tired. One day I'll be able to stop working nights - it just seems a long way off at the moment.

Until tomorrow

Paul

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Tuesday 16th January - 1 new customer

Source: knightrider45
Tuesday 16th January 2007, 3:58pm

I'm so pleased that the business is starting to pick up now. This is an old customer who's rejoined the business support membership site. Thats an extra few pounds towards my breakeven income target this year.

Again, the important thing for me is try and hold on to the customers - and the one best way of doing this, I think, is to keep updating the site with new tools and so on.

Two disadvantages to this: firstly, TIME, which I'm always short of, and secondly, the money needed to keep buying the new programs.

Not a bad day all told today, no advertising, too busy, now getting ready to start another 12 hour nightshift. Still managing to do the odd occasional hour on the retail web site when it gets quiet through the night.

But I'm still so tired. My brain feels as though it's turned into cotton wool sometimes, as though I'm in a dreamworld or something. And the forgetfulness really gets to me sometimes too.

Had a wonderful message of support from PAWS this morning - it's nice, in one way, to get support from other people who are in the same situation. As far as I know, there are only 3 legal ways to make money in this life of ours, and that's either inheriting money, running a business or winning the lottery.

And, on the grounds that I don't have much good luck at all these days, I've discounted the lottery option. I don't have any rich relatives, so inheritance is also out of the question. That's why I'm working so hard, and depending on the business so much.

If your'e reading this on the itsmymarket.com blog, please be aware that there is a delay between my posting and the blogs going live as everything is moderated, especially over weekends and bank holidays. I don't want my new friends to get the impression that I'm not posting or ignoring them. Although I appreciate IMM's moderation policy,if you want to keep bang up to date, you'll have to read my mirror blog here:
http://businessman99.blogspot.com/

This blog is virtually an exact copy of my posts here, but they go on line as soon as I've posted. I just copy and paste between the two as I'm building up support, and friendships, from both. The other blog contains earlier posts as I've been on that one since October. I have grown to like IMM as my favourite, because it's local, but I don't want to give up my other one because of friends I've made there too.

Until tomorrow

Paul

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Monday 15th January - Its Good News Week

Source: knightrider45
Monday 15th January 2007, 1:59pm

I hope this week gets better. Woken up pretty miserable (early) because I'm back at work tonight. Still feeling pretty groggy, and, the tiredness is unreal. So, so tired. Waking up half way through the night for stomach medicine doesn't help either.

Then the wife had her handbag stolen from out the car when she stopped off to go to a cash machine at 6.30 this morning. The handbag had everything in it, credit cards, driving licence, the lot. Lots of phone calls to get the cards stopped and the like. When she rang her bank, they told her that her card had been used 6 minutes after it was stolen! Well, they tried - didn't get any cash out, although the bank told her they'd tried to draw out £200 using an old pin number. Hello? £200 from our accounts? They must be dreaming!

The business is giving me grief at the moment through one customer who joined my marketing site, then cancelled his subscription after a couple of weeks, and now expects to still get access to everything. What is it with some people? Certainly can do without this type of customer, who serves only to blight my life with emails.

The cars still playing up too, although I've worked out (coming home yesterday) that the noise only happens when turning right, especially after braking a bit hard - think - going around roundabouts!

Okay, thats enough for today I think. Got to start getting ready for work, but I'll do a bit more advertising first. Here's hoping that this week really can get better!

Until tomorrow

Paul

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Sunday 14th January - 2 New Customers

Source: knightrider45
Sunday 14th January 2007, 4:39pm

After wasting Friday the way I did through oversleeping, I got up early Saturday in an attempt to catch up a little bit. I had lots of things outstanding from over a week ago

So, from about 1pm to 8pm, I cleared all the outstanding bits, including spending a couple of hours advertising and deleting dead lists out of the submitter, and putting 20 new ones in. The submitter now sends ads to over 1,800 groups - total list members now totals over 1 million!

Having read back through these blog posts, I realised that I haven't explained what happened in the first place to make me have to restart the business. half the story! So I've done a small report, converted it to a picture and uploaded it with this blog post for those of you interested. There's a link to one of my lists there too so you can all see what I'm talking about! The report can be downloaded from one of my web sites here as it's been converted to a passport photo here by the blog!

http://www.ezsafelists.com/BlogReport.JPG

Well, it seems peoples kind and good luck wishes are paying off! Got up at 5am this morning and went into work (overtime). On checking my emails this morning before leaving home at 6.15, I had one new customer, and after getting back home at about 2.30pm I'd got another one as well. At last. The first new customers for about 8 or 9 weeks. Just hope they stay with me now - every penny counts to the target doesn't it?

I'm so tired after changing from nights to days - and going back on nights again tomorrow, that I haven't done much else except a couple of hours advertising. Now I've broke it's back, I hope the business can carry on bringing the customers - although I've had to reduce membership prices to try and generate trade.

Until tomorrow

Paul

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Saturday 13th January

Source: knightrider45
Saturday 13th January 2007, 2:49pm

Well, after the trauma of oversleeping yesterday and blowing the whole day as a result I'm using today to catch up a little bit.

I've definately got the wifes flu, bubbling up under the surface, so I've doubled my vitamin intake, and up to yet, the tablets here are doing an admirable job. can't afford to be off work sick!

Finished nightshift this morning at 7am, got home at 8,got the daughter and one of her friends on a sleepover, and the wifes at work doing overtime.

Talking about overtime, I've worked out that to balance my books this year I've got to earn an extra £39.93 a day for the next year - 365 days- to get the income in I need. £39.93 doesn't sound a lot, if you say it quickly does it?

To start things off, I've just managed to secure 3 overtime shifts this month, which gives me an extra £240.00. Thats only another £997.83 to earn then to balance this months figures up.

I'm still juggling this months finances to even things up a bit. I've delayed paying BT until next payday, so I'm going to use that cash on the mortgage instead. I reckon I thought about the mortgage payment 10-15 times last night when I was at work. My hardest part yesterday was telling my wife I couldn't meet this months full mortgage payment.

And yesterdays mortgage increase means the monthly bill's going to increase by about £16-18 - so my figures Thursday are already out of date.

On the positive side, I'm moving my retail website domain to my American servers - I think there's enough room on them to host it-bearing in mind the retail site is about 1,000 web pages (maybe more) all designed by me, by hand, as a web designer, and his wages, are totally out of the question at the moment. Running the 3 sites together on one server is going to save me £20.00 monthly, so thats another £5 weekly I don't have to earn.

On the positive side, my stomachs behaving itself, probably because I've had two days when I haven't eaten much at all through the tirednes, oversleeping and general hassle. My black moods are only lasting an hour or so - if I keep my brain and body active it tends to stop the negative thoughts creeping in - most of the time anyway. So, being busy, I've got the excuse to stay in today.

Especially as my first overtime shift starts at 7am tomorrow. 22 hours off to change from nights to days. My body clocks going to be totally shot by the end of this month.

Until tomorrow.

Paul

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Friday 12th Jan- One ruined day

Source: knightrider45
Friday 12th January 2007, 5:58pm

Todays been a total waste of time. set the alarm for 1.30pm after working the nightshift last night, woke up when it went off, but fell back asleep and didn't get up to 4.15pm

So the days been wasted. I got so tired last night for some reason and I couldn't work out why.

Woke up today late, flustered, so much to do, and no time to do anything now at all, and in addition to that, I've woke up with a sore throat and a bit of an headache. Maybe I've caught the wifes flu!

I have done a couple of things though - I've managed to balance this months books, by only by paying half the mortgage, so now I'm £300-400 in arrears with them, which I'll catch up with over the next couple of months.

New year, new default on the credit record. Ah well, at least most other things have been paid. I can pay the mortgage, and leave everything else, or try and do half and half. as the phone bills got to be paid today as well, thats another £200 including internet.

Carly, I've answered your comments on the last post by the way. I always answer the coments, but can only do so by adding another comment under yours. So if you, or anyone else, is kind enough to leave me a comment, I'll always answer - whether good or bad. thanks for your support Carly - really appreciate it - though I guess you won't be reading this post until Monday, once it's been approved by IMM.com

And todays problem is...........my car started making an horrible grinding noise on the way home this morning, I think it's something wrong with the front suspension. I drive a red Nissan Sunny, M reg, and it's the last thing I want now to have a car breakdown. Especially as I just put the weeks petrol in it first.

I just couldn't make up my life, could I?

Until tomorrow

Paul

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Frustrated Businessman

Source: knightrider45
Thursday 11th January 2007, 6:01pm

Well, what a day. My feet haven't touched the ground today at all. Non stop all day. Had to go out 3 times today, and it's now 5.45pm and I'm hurriedly writing this post before I leave the house AGAIN for a 12 hour nightshift in Kings Lynn.

My daughter missed the bus to the College of West Anglia this morning so I had to take her there. Can't remember what time I got back, but was only in the house for about half hour and I had to go out again. Then I had to go to the bank this afternoon to transfer cash from my wages to the business account to meet some bills.

Could have done this this morning, but I forgot to take ID with me so I couldn't transfer money out of my account over the counter, and had to come back home without going to the bank. What a prat!

I've managed to squeeze in some advertising using my safelist submitter (a piece of software that sends the same ad out to 1,700 safelist groups just by clicking send) so hopefully I'll generate a couple of enquiries today.

Used the software yesterday as well but only got 6 page views according to the web page counter, no sales at all. Wednesdays are usually quiet, but can be good on rare occasions.

So, yes, I'm stressed out again. Today has just flown by, and I have a problem if I think I haven't used the day properly. The day was spoilt anyway as soon as I woke up this morning because I realised that I'm at work tonight, and working where I work naturally puts a dampner on any day.

I've done the yearly budget as well since I last posted, and it's as bad as I thought it was going to be. I'm on a basic wage of £384 weekly, making £19,968 per year, but I need £28,051.68 NETT to pay everything properly. Which means I need to earn £34,503.60 over the next 12 months, just to stay where I am. And that doesn't include life insurance or pensions either. So, I'm £14,535.60 short just to exist.

Or, £279.53 short every week. How do other people make ends meet? I'd love to know. It seems most of the time I'm the only one struggling. Not that that's the whole problem - it's just that this situation has no end in sight - and that's really bad.

Until tomorrow

Paul

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Coming up to date

Source: knightrider45
Wednesday 10th January 2007, 11:08am

Okay, you've had my intro, and a brief history from me. Now I'll start doing daily logs and I'll start these off by covering the 1st January to date.

I'm still having problems virtually every day. It was my wifes birthday on 1st January. Couldn't afford to buy her anything -AGAIN - she says it doesnt matter - but it does to me.

The next problem started on the 2nd January when the builders finished knocking the kitchen and diner into one room. The dust and vibrations have knocked my computer dead. Had to get another hard drive and reformat it and get all my software back onto it. Thank God I keep backups! But you know, it's as if fate is always working against me with this retail site - there's always something to stop me working on it.

Then - a major panic or stress attack whilst at work. Started about 7.30pm and lasted until 1.30 am(ish.) Heart racing, stomach pains, panicky, headache and black mood. That's for getting stressed out over the computer I guess. Running out of my St John's Wort tablets now as well, only on one a day instead of two, but they're still due to run out tomorrow.

3rd January. Working Nightshift. Eventually got around to doing my New Year's resolutions. Two this year, the first is to earn at least £50,000 through the business and my job. The second is to stop smoking. Still no advertising for, or sales from the business. Too busy, too tired to advertise today. My stomach started to play up again, food got stuck on the way down after swollowing it. I have a stomach ulcer, caused by by stomach making too much acid. This acid comes up the windpipe, scarring it as it does. The scar eventually grows out into the windpipe as a result of it being constantly hit by stomach acid. End result - a growth called a stricture, which can eventually block the windpipes entrance to the stomach. This is where the food gets stuck, an incredidibly disturbing feeling full of pain. Food gets stuck, the body makes more saliva to try and get rid of the food, resulting in a big back flow in the windpipe. The blockage must either go down or come back up. It came up this time. First time I've had this problem in 18 months or so. Already had two operations for the same thing. Luckily enough the blockage was stuck for only a few minutes - I've had blockages stuck for 4-6-8 hours before now.

If I stop getting stressed and depressed, the stomach won't make excess acid. The scar disappears and everythings ok. Maybe miracles do happen.

4th January. And todays problem.The heating oil ran out at 8am this morning as I got home, it was budgeted to last for another week until I got paid. I guess with the heating being on 24/7 for the last two weeks with Christmas and my wife off work with flu blew the budget through the window. Cold weekend forecast. No money. What a situation. Got up at 2pm, spent the next 3 hours talking to my employers for an advance and to our oil suppliers for an emergency delivery.

5th January. Finished nightshift at 7am. Drove to my employers office to get the advance cheque to pay for the oil. Then drove to my employers bank to cash the cheque (with 2 forms of ID)- then drove back to Kings Lynn to pay the cash for the oil delivery - the oil company won't deliver on account- then drove home. Got home, eventually, at 11.30am after driving something like 120 miles. Cup of Tea, then bed, up at 4pm, got ready for nightshift again. Didn't have anything to eat - too stressed, too tired.

Oil problem sorted and paid for. Oil delivered by 12pm, now we have a nice warm house.

6th January. Still stressed out from yesterday. Went to bed, got up at 1pm, carried on reformatting my new hard drive and putting my software back on it. Now I'm ready to go again. First day this week I didn't have to go out. St Johns Wort ran out now, so I'm back on the cheap Tesco ones which only contain a trace of the drug I need.

7th January. Didn't go out anywhere. Spent most of the day sorting out my new retail web site. Still not done this year's budget - now one week overdue. Just don't want to do it, can't be bothered. Guess it's because I never earn enough to pay the bills, and it frightens me to confirm that to myself in writing. Unless I hit the £50,000 earnings, I know I'll fail on the budget.

8th January. 3rd day off. Wife home all day too. Just concentrated on getting my retail web site sorted out, designing the web pages and correcting my previous error on the pay buttons (put the wrong business name in the payment field)

9th January. 4th day off. Again concentrated on sorting the retail web site out. Still not gone out anywhere - three days running. This is what I want! Now, all I need to do is earn money from staying in. That would be perfect. I don't like the world out there, I'm safer, and happier here in my house. Making plans to start advertising the business Friday Saturday and Sunday this week.

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A quick & brief history

Source: knightrider45
Wednesday 10th January 2007, 10:13am

I thought it best to get some history out of the way and clear the way for the future posts. Then if I say something strange, hopefully you'll be able to understand why I've said or done something wrong.

My depression is inherited, from my mother. I've had an upbringing that I guess today would be classed as neglected. I didn't see it as like that, because, I guess, if you're actually in the middle of it, it gets to be normal doesn't it?

Certainly, one of the regular visitors to my family's house was the Social Services. I have four sisters, two of which I haven't seen for years. My eldest was put into care when she was 12 (ish), and I haven't seen her since (1976). My middle sister, who also inherited my mothers condition, ended up taking a suicide note to school one day, told a teacher what she'd got, and was also put into care. She ended up in a mental hospital last thing I heard about 15 years ago.

I found my baby sister last year through Genes Reunited. com. Had a reunion about a week before Christmas. She's now 33, married, and inherited my dads condition. Shes had two strokes, the second of which has sent her blind in one eye, going blind in the other one as well. Now registered blind, as is her husband. Came to see us being driven here by their full time carer.

My baby sister was snatched and put into care as a result of my other sisters suicide note as my mother was too scared to send her to school just to lose her. End result? A police and social services raid early one morning, my mum arrested and taken to the local police station, my sister taken by Social Services.

At a later court review, my mum was described as mentally disturbed with a minimal IQ.

I left home at 17 as my mum was getting too dependant on me (my dad died when I was 15) and I couldn't live my life, or keep my wages. It was after I left, and all communications cut off between us, that my little sister was snatched.

I have been brought up with funny moods, strange habits, no kisses, cuddles or hugs. The kids were just there, a natural result of unforeseen circumstances. There to do as we were told, to stay quiet, always kept in, never allowed out to play with friends, not allowed to go to school if my mum thought she wanted company that day, never any affection, always watching out for what mood my mum woke up with. And never allowed to go upstairs for a bath, or to go to our bedroom, as one of our duties was to to provide company for mum to stop her getting lonely.

I started to see my mum again when I was about to get married. Twice, maybe three times. She wanted to come and live with us (she was in a nursing home at the time). When I said no, she blamed my wife. The last time I saw her she totally ignored my wife and her brand new grand daughter. I said then, that that was the last time she would see us unless she accepted my wife and family. This was 1992/93.

I never saw her again. She died three years ago. The social services have LOST all family records so obviously they didn't tell me. We only found out because my wife found the last letter from the Social services telling me that she'd moved nursing homes. My wife rang the nursing home and found everything out early last year.

My sister is presently suing the social services as our family records are gone. I'll be joining her later this year. The social services don't even bother replying to my letters.

So my inherited legacies; depression from my mother, heart condition from my father (who died at 49). My dads dad died at 44 from the same thing. As I'm now 42, yes, I'm concerned!

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Blog Approved

Source: knightrider45
Wednesday 10th January 2007, 9:29am

I didn't hear anything from mymarket.com so I logged in and found my blogs been approved. And people are actually reading my blog. Wow!

Thanks ever so much for the comments I've got back. One of the best things about this is that I can talk freely without getting embarrased! Lin- thanks for the comment, I can't afford anything at the moment, but I'd be grateful if you could watch my blogs and shout at me if you find something obviously wrong. A professional on my side is what I need.

Johnny Cheesemuller - Thanks for your kind comments and good luck wishes. really appreciate it!

Davina- your Free comment. Not sure what you mean, but if you're asking if you can advertise for free using my business, then yes, it's free, in return for a monthly subscription.

Now I know my blogs approved, I'll update daily as far as I can.

Thanks for the comments again.

Paul

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Welcome to my world

Source: knightrider45
Saturday 6th January 2007, 8:16pm

Greetings, Blog Figures! My names Paul, I'm 42, married, four kids, two still at home. I'm told by several people that keeping a diary is an effective measure to combat depression, so I thought, what the Hell, I'd make it public.Here we go then.

Okay. the Americans call this journalising, and as I said, it's a recognised therapy for people with depression. I listen to KLFM and they've been advertising this blog service and I thought, well, why not?

Whats the point of this Blog?

Three months ago, my business was almost there. Almost made it to a full time income. I run 2, soon to be 3 internet businesses and I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. All it needed was one final push and I'd be working from home full time. At the moment, I hold down a full time job as well.

With the depression, I have a daily struggle to go to work, as one of my symptoms of the depression is that I never want to go out anywhere, just stay at home, but I am always forced to go out every day and I rarely get a full 24 hour period where I don't have to go out.

That's why I worked so long, so hard on my business, every day for 3 years. An internet business would allow me to work full time, but stay at home at the same time. I've learned everything from scratch myself.

What are my businesses?

I don't want to identify myself through the blog, so needless to say, I'm not giving names or links to myself or my businesses. I want this blog to be totally accurate and truthful to work, and I don't feel comfortable doing that if people know who I am.

I run two internet marketing businesses at the moment, the first of which I really think - and advertise as - the worlds biggest marketing support site. This, basically, helps other businesses market their products/services on the internet, using anyone of over 100,000 free marketing places, journals and programs. The second business is a safelist business.

What's a Safelist?

Good question. A safelist is basically, a list or group of likeminded people who join the group to market their products to others in the group, or on the list, free of charge. This works email marketing. A member signs up to the safelist and agrees to receive other members marketing emails in return for the priviledge of being able to send their own ads out to the group. There are many types of safelist, some of which charge a membership fee (Mine doesn't), and the most popular ones (obvioulsy) are the free ones where, as a free member, you can send your ads out once a week.

Each individual safelist builds up it's membership, and some safelists total tens of thousands of members.

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