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In Memory Of Christmas Past

Blog: Break Up
Posted by: Friday 11th December 2009, 6:26am

As well as things not being quite right, somehow, between me and the wife, we are having our first empty nest Christmas this year. I have elected to work all over Christmas this year on nights

As well as things not being quite right, somehow, between me and the wife, we are having our first empty nest Christmas this year. I have elected to work all over Christmas this year on nights as the shifts were going begging, and, in my financial position, I cannot turn down extra money from overtime. But it's not just the money, this time, somehow, I think I'm going to be better off at work than at home.

Even if I am on my own.

I lament over our past Christmases like crazy. The Family Christmases. Normally, by now, we'd be inundated with Christmas lists from the kids, arguments over putting up the Christmas tree and the decorations, followed more often than not by a major investigation into who'd pinched all the chocolates off the tree.

The house would be full of excitement and happiness with the occasional squabble over something. The house would be full of lights, mutilcoloured shadows dancing and glittering in the darkness. I remember watching my baby daughter's Christmas play at school with a lump in my throat, and \"Winter Wonderland\" has since that day remained one of my favourite Christmas songs.

I remember the one particular year when I had to carry a full grown Christmas tree through Kings Lynn town centre to put it in the car - somehow - ready for bringing home. The car was full of needles for the rest of the year.

I remember getting the kids in a pose for our first Christmas together for a photo with them all holding a candle each in front of the Christmas tree. A small, no doubt insignificant thing for the kids, but it was a major thing for me, and I shall always treasure that moment. Forever.

I remember going Christmas shopping in the freezing cold with my family with me. We have never had much money, but we got by. We had a close family, and that's what mattered. Christmas shopping always ended with a trip to the local MacDonalds to finish off.

It's the best thing I've done with my life - be a parent.

The excitement, the kid's anticipation and wonderment, the noise, arguments and squabbles has now all gone. And I miss it so much. The family has reached the end of an era.

The kids have now all flown the nest and making their own lives. Hopefully the two biggest daughters will find time to share a bit of their Christmas with us. The son is moving out to Spain on December 19th with his mate. I am insanely jealous of this. The way my son is with his mate should be how we should be together - like we once were, we were so close and I see his friend as having stolen my son away from me, this is even more so considering his mate is the same age as me. The baby daughter is going to Spain with her brother on the 19th, and not coming back home until the 26th.

So it's just me and the wife, who, I think, now tolerates me as a necessary part of her life. There has been no closeness now between us for almost 3 years, just long periods of silence when we are in the same room together. This situation has also partly transferred to my son who has always - and rightly - been close to his mom - and she has no doubt been talking to my son about what she sees as my inadequacies, so my son now rarely talks to me. He still hasn't told me he' s moving to Spain yet.

I'm hanging onto the family relationship now by my finger nails I think. There is no respect left for me anymore, just tolerance.

Anyway, the plan this year is that we're going across to the neighbours for Christmas dinner, and, forgive me, rather than spend hours and hours in someone else's house making polite conversation (the neighbour is a friend, although he's now tainted by the wife as well), I'd just rather be at work.

And that's what I'm doing.

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