Break Up

Attempted Suicide - One Week On

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Sunday 13th June 2010, 8:57pm

It's been a fast moving week for all concerned. I eventually got it out of the wife that it was me who was to blame for her unhappiness, I think it took until Monday for her to tell me. Fine, that's all I wanted to know.

There followed a fury of phone calls as I arranged viewings for alternative accommodation (sp?). Whilst ringing someone on Tuesday to arrange a viewing, she came back in after the shopping and said that she'd reconsidered and it was best I stay, as we couldn't afford to move out.

We are now living as Brother and Sister. She says she doesn't hate or despise me, but she doesn't love me. I can live with that, for the time being anyway. The urgency has now disappeared and I, for one, am grateful I'm keeping the house, if only because of the problems with, and I sorted out with, the mortgage as well as all the hard work I've done in the house and especially this year, the work in the garden.

I just didn't want to throw it all away after 18 years of constant struggle and cash flow crisis.

She also tells me that she doesn't want a divorce ("it's you talking about a divorce") - but, I strongly suspect, this is due to the fact that she can't afford to move out, and she also wants to keep the house.

I still feel the stranger in my own house and with my family. Where we go from here, I don't know. Or how long this arrangement will stay satisfactory. As far as I'm concerned, I've been given permission to move on. Sharing my life with someone else is the one thing I'm never going to do again.

Ever.

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The Wifes Just Tried To Commit Suicide

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Saturday 5th June 2010, 1:40pm

So, am I really that bad then?

Woke up early this morning, went into the front room where my wife was watching television. I said 'Morning', was promptly ignored, as I always am these days, and that's when I wrote my last post on my blog.

As I was writing it, I heard the front door shut and thought nothing of it. The wife never tells me when she's going out, where she's going or how long she's going to be out for. Nothing unusual there.

She'd been gone ages. Then a neighbour came across. The wife had taken loads of tablets, then gone for a walk to save dying in front of me, I guess. As she got to the woods about half mile from where we live, she, apparently, had a change of mind and rang our neighbour, who found her, and took her to his house and called the ambulance.

She refused to go to hospital and is, at the moment, sleeping off the tablets in my neighbour's spare bed.

And that, basically, is all I know. I've booked Monday and Tuesday off work to sort things out. I'm either sorting things out with the wife, or sorting my things out to move out. And, at this point, I don't really care which it is.

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Things Must Change - Starting Today

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Monday 17th May 2010, 8:24pm

I awake every day in despair, extreme doom, tinged with high anxiety. Combined now as it is with a mixture of debt chasing telephone calls, mortgage arrears counsellors and various other debt chasing people, there is no respite.

Being in debt is one of the most humiliating and stressful encounters I have ever experienced. It's a situation that creates extreme harassment without boundaries and without respite.

Constantly, the vultures are circling around me, constantly dive bombing me in an attempt to take yet more of my money.

When you have no money, other people assume that it's because you're idle, a waste of space, or stupid. Maybe even, a combination of all three. Maybe more. I don't know.

Lets get one thing straight, right now. This debt problem I have now was caused by a business failure in 1996. This business was labour intensive, with most of it's income going on wages. That wasn't so much a problem.

Money was always tight, and I was always on the road chasing money to meet the pay runs - a situation I'm glad I don't have to go through anymore. There's nothing more humiliating than standing and waiting - often for hours - in a customer's reception for a cheque that is rightfully yours.

No, that wasn't the problem. The staff were. It started off with some of the staff using the customer's phones to make calls to expensive, pre-recorded phone lines. Then those customer's wouldn't pay their bills - but I still had to pay the wages.

Then a fairly major customer went bankrupt on me, taking me for a few thousand. In the end, after months and months of 20 hour days constantly running into one crisis after another, I ended up with depression.

And I wound the business up within 48 hours. I just couldn't take any more, any more. The killer problem was yet to surface though. My staff were self employed sub contractors. Who hadn't been paying their tax, so the Inland Revenue came after me.

They gave me a massive bill with 48 hours to pay it. I couldn't (obviously) so they made me bankrupt. I had to remortgage my house to buy it back from the taxman to save me & my family being kicked out.

And that brings me to today. I'm crippled by an extortinate mortgage that's responsible for my abysmal credit record.And, even last Friday, I had to endure another meeting with one of these mortgage arrears counsellors. Again.

I've offered to pay the mortgage at £312 per week, forever. Now, I've just got to wait to see if the mortgage company accepts my proposal. Again.

And that's where I am, and why I am, here today. My credit record is blown to pieces, and my marriage is going the same way, rapidly. I am an outcast in my own house, I am ignored, or at best, politely answered.

That's why things must change. Quickly and urgently. My plan starts here.

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Need Motivation At This VERY Moment? For When Things Keep Going Wrong

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Saturday 20th March 2010, 9:26pm

Do you know what we all have in common? You know, the billions and billions who came before you, who used to live in the jungles of time and space. Their adventure is over. You know what else?

Given another chance, they’d take more risks. Not because they’d always succeed, but because from where they are now, the glory of knowing they at least tried, far exceeds any regrets of never knowing what might have been.

Are you struggling now?

The slate’s been wiped clean, the past has released its grip, and before you sparkles eternity, yearning for direction. All that lies between you and the life of your dreams isjust one teeny, tiny, gentle, little rule. Only one condition, prerequisite, principle that matters.

It’s not love. It’s not God. It’s not fate, or luck, or karma. It’s not complicated or esoteric, and you needn’t sacrifice, plead, or pray to invoke it.

It’s the only rule that’s ever existed, and it’s the only one that will ever exist.

No reality can exist in its absence. For its mere existence, you are. With its existence, the power, the light, and the way are revealed. It’s your purpose to discover it, and it’s your destiny to master it. It’s the beginning, the middle, and the end. The Alpha and the Omega. The be-all and end-all of every wish, desire, and dream, and you are its keeper.

This caveat of all caveats is that absolutely nothing can be anything until it is first imagined. Thoughts become things, nothing else does. And so it’s the thoughts you choose from here on out that will become the things and events of your life, forevermore.

It is written in stone. There’s no other way.

It’s your ticket to anywhere you can dream of. Your passport to abundance, health, and friendships. The key to the palace of your wildest dreams.

Your thoughts, and your thoughts alone, will set you in motion. Your thoughts will yield the inspiration, creativity, and determination you need. Your thoughts will orchestrate the magic and inspire the Universe. Your thoughts will carry you to the finish line if you just keep thinking them. Never give up. Never waiver, doubt, or ask.

Aim high.

That you’ve even received this Note, that you’re able to read it through, means you are so close. So extraordinarily close. The hardest work has been done. The wars have already been waged. The lessons have already been learned.

The journey, now, is for home.

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Making Progress - Up And Down

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Sunday 31st January 2010, 8:32pm

The shift change at work has happened, and the department I work in has now been reduced from 5 members to just 2, of which I'm one of them. One of my colleagues has retired, rather than face signing on, and the other two have been laid off.

Finished. The end of a five year chapter whilst I've been there.

That now puts in a "proper" job for the first time since 1987, when I started working nights. I now work days, Monday to Friday, and for me, this is going to represent a massive life and culture change for me. I know, given time, that working days will be beneficial for me, as, as human beings, we are not designed to work nights.

This has been my first designated weekend off for ages. I've finished my membership site now, which went live about three hours ago as I write this, and I now only have to update the site on a weekly basis with new downloads for the members.

I'm sorting out my new schedule now as with only two days off in a row, then working 5, my time is really pushed. I am trying to devote one weekend day to the business only; as I still have to do "normal" things like mowing the lawn, household duties and so on, and I'm trying to re-arrange my life so that I work 5 days in the job, the business for one day, and leave the seventh day for the household responsibilities.

It's hard going fitting everything in. Before I used to work 8 or 9 days/nights straight, then have 5 off. See the difference?

It is even more important now that my business income starts to become residual, repeating and still comes in without any hands on work from me for 6 days a week. That's the idea behind the membership site. Tying this in with my eBay store and Amazon book store gives me 3 streams of passive income.

That's got to be a good start to my 2010 debt free strategy, hasn't it?

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